Daily Archives: Saturday, May 17, 2008

Things I have to let out…the loneliness is killing me

I’ve always thought of myself as a simple person. Really though I’m not simple at all. I’m a very complex person. I’ve got several problems in my life that has an effect on me daily. I battle depression as I’ve stated before. I have fibromyalgia, and a tumor in my back. I just recently found out something could be wrong with my liver and gallbladder. Those things are just transgressions I fight daily that others might see on the outside.

People don’t hear the things in my mind daily however. They don’t feel the hurt inside my heart. They don’t see the guilt and shame I still carry today.

These things are the things that make me a complex person.

I have an urge daily to find a church. I feel a pull from God to do something. The problem is I can’t. I don’t have a car or a way to do these things. I love God. I have such a strong faith in him that I cry sometimes because I’m not a good Christian.

I cuss people at times. I smoke and think things that I should not think. I have thoughts about how life would be for my family if I were not around. There are times I’m weak and allow the depression to get me to the lowest point in the day. It passes of course but it is something I shouldn’t allow.

I think to myself, if I did find a church to go to, would I be welcomed? Would I feel right? I haven’t been in a church in years. It’s been so long I can’t even be sure how many years it’s been.

The last church I went to, I remember I felt very out of place. Everyone was smiling and talking amongst each other. I didn’t belong there. I couldn’t smile. I was in that church to heal my pain and it just didn’t happen. The people didn’t seem heartbroken at all. It was myself looking in on a gathering that was a celebration and I didn’t come to celebrate.

I pray every night and a few nights I’ve not prayed I have awoken to guilt for not praying that night. I read my bible often, and I talk with God every day too.

I have a sin I’ve committed in my past that I can’t admit to here. I’ve asked God to forgive me for that. I pray that the one I sinned against has forgiven me too. I was just a kid that was fucked up then. It was so wrong. I still carry guilt and hurt about that. This sin is one reason I feel a pull to find a church.

Other times I am angry with God. I think about my dad and my aunt Eve who have passed. I think about what they will miss out on and things they’ve already missed out on. I think to myself why go to church?

I worry constantly throughout the day. I worry about my oldest daughter who goes to school. I pray daily that she gets to school from the bus safely and returns home safely. I worry about dying before they are raised daily. I think about death just about everyday too.

These are just some things that I’ve realized make me a complex person.

I don’t have a social life outside home. It’s hard with my medical problems. I miss that a lot sometimes daily. I cry too because I don’t have friends I use to have. Other times I am so happy I don’t have the responsibility of friendships. They take more then one person may realize. I am happy I don’t have to manage energy to put into it. I am happy that I don’t have to deal with the bullshit that comes with some friendships too.

It gets lonely though you know. I get so lonely. I am lonely now. The loneliness is heavy on my heart. It makes me miss home even though home isn’t home since dad died. I fantasize about what home would be like if I rushed back there but when reality returns I see that it isn’t what I see in my fantasy. Home hasn’t been home for twelve years. My family has been broken since March 7, 1996 and there is no fixing it. Mom isn’t really mom even though I fantasize about that too.

Maybe I’m boring you all here in the cyber world with my thoughts and I apologize. I just have so much inside that I have to get out from time to time and this is one of them. There are so many different topics. There is so much hurt. I get homesick a lot but I get homesick for what use to exist before dad died. I get homesick for what was there when my aunt Eve lived. I’ve tried for so long to accept it and not hurt over it but I have not found that way yet. It depresses me badly.

I figure if I am not over my dad dying after twelve years I will probably mourn him for the rest of my life. I will probably be homesick for what was there before he died for the rest of my life too. It will be the same with my aunt Eve too I guess. I look at my phone often throughout the day wishing I could call my aunt Eve. I talked to her everyday before she died. Before I moved away from home I had seen her everyday. I miss that.

All of these things that float around my head everyday I tuck them away. I put on another face for my family. I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do. When I cry I hide in my bathroom for a few moments to hide the pain.

I would talk to my husband. Trust me, he’d listen. I don’t however because he has so much on his plate with my illnesses, the extra stuff he does around the house, his full time job, and his family problems he has to deal with too. I don’t want to depress him even more then he might already be over his own family tribulations. Not to mention his worries about my medical problems.

For the first time in my life I am 30 pounds over weight. There is nothing I can do about it either. I can’t do exercise because of my back situation. I watch what I eat but it does nothing. My medicine keeps the pounds on. I’m not gaining anymore but I just can’t lose it. I only lost two pounds in two months! This is another thing that haunts my thoughts throughout the day. It haunts me when I try to find something to wear. I try to find something nice and sexy for my husband but I am just not pleased. I feel like a blimp. That makes me feel even lonelier.

I know I am not the only one that faces these transgressions. I know that my problems are small compared to so many in the world. I feel foolish at times for letting it brew inside me. I know others are so much worse off then I. My problems are so small compared to the worlds.

I just wish the loneliness would go away. I have felt this void for twelve years now. I feel as though a part of me died when my dad died, and another piece of me died when Eve died. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so damn lonely? Why can’t I be happy they suffer no more? Why can’t I let go?

This is the core of it all. Absolutely. This is the core of the complexity about myself. It has shaped me in ways I never though possible. It has shaped the way I think, it has shaped the way I decide things, worry about things, and obsess over things too.

The question is now, how do I get to that core and repair it so that I can be a happier person?

You know I haven’t finished the work I started on The Seed Of Infidelity. I can’t. I have writers block and when I get this loneliness around me I just can’t write fiction. That is a reason I don’t finish a lot of projects I start. I lose momentum because I am just fucked up basically in my mind and thoughts.

I still think about being molested as a child too. In one moment I can almost be on the brink of falling apart when it comes to that. I battle in my mind all the time fighting. I fight to not go back there. I fight not to be that child in that moment almost everyday too.

A good example would be this:

I went out to check out a flowering tree I have in my backyard. It is a crab apple tree. The fragrance from the flowers put me back in a memory I didn’t want to be in. It was the way I cut the branch off the tree that put me there along with the smell. For a moment I had to fight not to see images in my head from childhood. It tires me people. All of it does. I get so damn tired.

I get tired of being lonely, I get tired of fighting in my head, I get tired of the guilt and shame I carry too.

I’m just tired folks. I need to talk to God now. Thank you for reading along my troubles.

Something is wrong, but nurse wouldn’t say what!

I called Friday to see if any results were in from the scans. I couldn’t wait any longer. The results were in so I got to speak to a nurse. She told me that the ultrasound came back normal meaning that my liver size, gallbladder size, and kidney size were good. There were no stones found. No masses found. That was a relief.

The second test that was the hidascan and it apparently showed some problems with my liver and my gallbladder. The nurse would not go into the details with me. She said that the doctor would have to follow up with me on Monday and go over what would be her next step. Now what the fuck is that!? The nurse tells me there is a problem but doesn’t explain what the problem is and leaves me to worry over the weekend until Monday to wait on the doctor. I asked her, “You can’t tell me over the phone?” she said, “The doctor will have to follow up with you Monday on what she wants to do next.” So great I said.

So we’ll see what my doctor says Monday morning when I call her first thing. I’ll keep you all posted. Thank you for your recent comments, thoughts, and prayers. It helps knowing that some people care out there. I hope all is well with you cyber pals.