Daily Archives: Saturday, May 10, 2008
I’ve had two nightmares in the past week and I am wondering if it is due to the anxiety level I am currently at. The first nightmare I had went like this:
I was downstairs tending to laundry and I came upstairs to check on my kids and noticed my front door was unlocked and my bedroom light was on when I glanced down the hall towards my room. The next thing I know I am being strangled from behind from a big-armed guy. I only got to see the arms of the guy and they were big, and had quite a bit of hair on them. He had me in some sort of sleeper hold and I was passing out as I tried to reach back to his jugular in attempts to break free from his grasp. As I was trying to reach the guys jugular I attempted to yell for my husband that is when I woke up.
Two days later I had another nightmare and it went like this:
I was lying in bed and had just taken my meds. I remember looking at my cell phone for the time and it was a little bit after 11pm. I had dozed off and the next thing I know someone was in the room and had their hand over my hand and mouth. I tried to fight the hand off my face but I could not. I was blinking and squirming around and then I woke up. When I woke up I was having hard time breathing.
Now I’m not sure what those nightmares mean. I think it is possible I am having them because I have very high anxiety right now about some testing I have to have done this coming week. Perhaps the nightmares represent the fact I feel like I am getting suffocated in my real life with these medical problems again. I thought that was all over for me but here I am once again having to get tests done to find out what is going on. I am so scared it will be some sort of cancer. That is one of my greatest fears. Cancer.
I’ve seen too many die from it and suffer a horrible way to leave this world behind. I don’t want that for me, or my family. Most of all as I’ve said previously in other posts, I don’t want to leave until my daughters are raised. That is all I want. I want to make sure they are raised. I’ve seen what it is like when a parent is taken from this earth and a teen or young child is left without that parent. It isn’t pretty in most cases. It wasn’t pretty in the cases I’ve seen. I don’t want my children to have to go through that.
That was the main reason I quit smoking in December of 2007. I was so determined then to put them down and NEVER pick them up again but long behold April of 2008 I ended up picking them up again and I’m still smoking them. I do have plans of trying to quit again. I promised my oldest daughter that I would try to quit again and I will keep that promise. It is just so damn hard to quit!
My mom recently reached out to me and we’ve had some pretty good talks on the phone. I’ll be writing a post about that later today to fill you all in on that stuff. I need some advice with it too so look for that post later on today sometime.
I’m going to end this one now and go try to calm my anxiety down. I need to keep myself from going into frenzies over this. I always think of the worse case scenarios. Anyway thanks for reading cyber world community. I hope that I am still in some of your prayers as the 13th creeps up for the tests. You’ve been great support for me throughout my blogging time here on word press.
Until next time….