Daily Archives: Friday, May 9, 2008

What if it is Gallbladder cancer? Pancreas cancer? What if….

What if it turns out to be some sort of cancer? I have so much that runs in my family that it puts me at such a high risk of so many different types of cancer. Right now I am worrying about pancreas cancer. My grandmother was thought to have died from that. I go next week to get a few tests done but I am so damn scared they will come out very bad. Pancreas cancer survival is pretty much nonexistent. What if it turns out to be something like that, and my youngest daughter left without her mom? She is only a year old.

I only want enough time on earth to raise my girls. Really that is all I ask for from God for me. I can live on with pain, and find a way to adjust to being disabled, but please don’t leave my girls without me so young. Let me stay to raise them.

I smoke. I’ve smoked for over fifteen years now. I’ve quit twice. The first time I quit for a year and this last time I went for five months. The breaks mean nothing when you are bomb barded with cancer on each side of your family. The cancers that run in my family are liver, lung, pancreas cancer, and ovarian. My odds look bad by just putting that out there.

Now with the pain I’ve had on my upper right side under the rib cage that radiates to my back doesn’t bode well for me either if you want my honesty here. The fact that I am so damn stupid to have smoked for so long and continue to do so to this day baffles me.

I believe in prayer strongly. I believe in God wholeheartedly. I don’t fear dying I fear what I’ll leave behind that is left unfinished, like raising my two wonderful girls. I worry that if I do end up on the cancer list what will my husband do without me to take care of our girls? I sure hope God hears me right now as the tears drift down my cheeks. Please let this be a minor problem and keep me here to take care of my girls. PLEASE HEAR THIS ONE PRAYER FROM ME LORD.

I ask that all my cyber community support people put in a prayer for me too if you could. Please let this not be cancer.