What if I don’t grieve for my mom when she goes?

I’ve been thinking about this question for about three years now. It’s been no secret throughout my BLOG here at Just Ordinary that my relationship with my mom isn’t what you’d call special. It is more like a roller coaster mainly throwing me off the ride bruised and battered. I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for childhood things that had gone on and I have a lot of anger and resentment for a situation going on right now. The resentment has grown so much I don’t even feel the need to talk to her.

I avoid calling her most of the time. My younger brother lives in our childhood home and she is there sometimes and by chance I stumble on her answering the phone. Sometimes she’ll call from there or my brother’s cell and I’ll answer thinking it is him but it is her. Honestly though if I know it is her, most of the time I wouldn’t answer. Is it wrong to feel this way toward my own mom? My therapist has told me no. She says I should set the boundaries for what kind of relationship I want to have with her. I get that totally but I still at times have a hard time with the guilt of knowing just the fact that “she’s my mom”. I feel guilty. My dad taught me to respect my mom, love her even when she’s wrong. He raised me with that belief and he instilled it in me to always love family. Family was important to my dad. Respecting parents was important to my dad. I think my dad wanted me to love mom like he loved his mom. I think he wanted me to respect mom like he respected his mom. I’m not sure I can do that anymore.

I have so much negativity towards my mom I wonder if I’d cry when she goes. Will I grieve her? How will it look if I don’t? How wrong is it is I don’t? What is wrong with me that I think I won’t cry or grieve her?

I grieved for many years over the relationship I yearned for with her. Growing up I needed her in so many ways that a young girl does and she wasn’t there. She treated me differently then my brothers. I believe she was jealous of the relationship I had with dad but I was just a little girl. Now I’m grown. I have girls of my own and I am completely opposite of what she was raising them. I feel bad though because not only did she shun me growing up she has shunned my girls. She has shunned her grandkids that have surrounded her there in my hometown. It is sad yes, but it makes me angry. It reminds me of the times I reached out to her in attempts to repair our relationship. The times I tried to make her love me and she wouldn’t.

I get so angry and I think she doesn’t deserved to be grieved anymore. I have grieved over that woman enough. Is that wrong of me?

I’ve tried to forgive her even. I tried to have a grown woman relationship with her and she even fucked that up by doing what she is doing right now. Again, resentment builds, and I was left battered and bruised from the roller coaster ride with her.

A part of me blames her for me being so ill now. I think all the years growing up with her and the problems, and then reliving it as a grown woman spent my health. It made me sick in the end. It wore me down seriously. That is another reason I just said I was done with her. Is it wrong for me to feel such resentment that it really doesn’t matter if I talk to her again? I know that is wrong from what dad taught me…I know that is not how it is supposed to be but in my reality mom isn’t mom.

Mom is selfish and doesn’t care who she hurts by what she does. That is mom and Rachel is tired of that shit I mean really tired of that fucking shit. This current situation with her pushed me over the edge and some day I will write about it here. It is boiling inside of me and it needs released soon, or I’ll end up sick again. She makes me sick and I’m down for weeks over worrying about it and keeping it all inside. What she is doing right now…if it isn’t stopped before her time to go I am afraid I won’t cry and I won’t grieve.

I really don’t want it to be that way…

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008, in Death, depression, family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. hi,
    I’m a muslim from Iran. I read it. by now I want to tell you about Islam. the holy book is Quran. we respect to Holy Mary and Jesus, but we believed in only one God. we respect to family too, and in Iran the family is very important for the people. unfortunately in the media and newspapers Iran and Islam has been introdused as a terorrism and violence, but it is not. Islam, that is sience, merciful, friendship, lovely family and …., because of it’s instructions:
    here there are some verses of Holy Quran:
    And mention Musa in the Book Surely he was one purified, and he was a messenger, a prophet) 15 (
    And We called to him from the blessed side of the mountain, and We made him draw nigh, holding communion) with Us () 25 (
    And We gave to him out of Our mercy his brother Haroun a prophet) 35 (
    And mention Ismail in the Book Surely he was truthful in) his (promise, and he was a messenger, a prophet) 45 (
    And he enjoined on his family prayer and alms giving, and was one in whom his Lord was well pleased) 55 (
    And mention Idris in the Book
    And We raised him high in Heaven) 75 (
    These are they on whom Allah bestowed favors, from among the prophets of the seed of Adam, and of those whom We carried with Nuh, and of the seed of Ibraheem and Israel, and of those whom We guided and chose
    But there came after them an evil generation, who neglected prayers and followed the sensual desires So they will meet perdition) 95 (
    Except such as repent and believe and do good, these shall enter the garden, and they shall not be dealt with unjustly in any way) 06 (
    The gardens of perpetuity which the Beneficent God has promised to His servants while unseen Surely His promise shall come to pass) 16 (
    They shall not hear therein any vain discourse, but only: Peace And they shall have their sustenance therein morning and evening) 26 (
    This is the garden which We cause those of Our servants to inherit who guard) against evil () 36 (
    And we do not descend but by the command of your Lord To Him belongs whatever is before us and whatever is behind us and whatever is between these And your Lord is not forgetful) 46 (
    The Lord of the heavens and the earth and what is between them, so serve Him and be patient in His service Do you know any one equal to Him?) 56 (
    And says man What! when I am dead shall I truly be brought forth alive?) 66 (
    Does not man remember that We created him before, when he was nothing?) 76 (
    So by your Lord! We will most certainly gather them together and the Shaitans, then shall We certainly cause them to be present round Hell on their knees) 86 (

  2. It is okay not to be able to grieve for a parent……who says you HAVE to? If someone treated you bad all your life it is ABNORMAL to expect them to grieve when the time comes. Don’t feel you have to do abnormal things or feel guilty. If you want to feel better about her, pray for her. It does work.

    I once detested someone I worked for…tried praying for them…oh, it was difficult at first, but it worked after a few times. He didn’t bother me so much after that even though he never caught on he was such a jerk. You know, he will have his own to answer for……it’s HIS problem.

    I know a parent is different but yet not so different…..I say your mother knows what she does and probably at times hates herself for it. I have seen this between fathers and sons. I have an uncle, (who married my mom’s sister), who’s father was an alcoholic and beat his wife and kids. My uncle, the only son, got out and worked at a young age to give his mom some food money because the old man drank it all up. They used to lock themselves up in a bedroom for safety and my uncle would climb out the window to go to work. Just a boy. Time went on and my uncle married and had a wonderful family and a successful business. He did not have anything to do with his father. Then the father became old and couldnt care for himself….my uncle paid for his care and had all these bad feelings about his father that bothered him badly. He hated the guy but felt he shouldnt . These feelings were normal!! The old man died and all those feelings intensified. But at the funeral, the minister, knowing of my uncle’s feelings, and knowing there isnt a whole lot you can say good about a horrible person, said this: ” Here lies Mr. ______. And had it not been for this man, (indicating the deceased ) , then THIS man (indicating my uncle) and his wonderful family, here, would not exist.” My uncle said at that point a great burden was lifted from his shoulders. For the first time there was sense to it all. He could put it to rest. And that’s what it really is,…..being able to put it to rest.

  3. Thank you Artist for visiting, hope to see you again soon here.

    I agree with you about there comes a time to put it to rest and maybe when the day comes I’ll be able to do just that and have peace with it all. Who knows maybe I’ll grieve for her more then my dad for all the things my mother and I lacked in our relationship. I guess I’ll cross the road when it gets here.

    I just worry about it now because I know that day is coming and I guess I am trying to prepare myself for how I should react or be…

    I pray for my mom every night in hopes it will bring her out of this current situation she is doing. We’ll see.

    JO

    The Iranian- thank you for stopping by. Your quotes from your holy book was nice to read, however I am Christian. Very similar in many ways. It was thoughtful of you to put your words down to comfort me in this dilema I posted. I hope you come again you are always welcomed. 🙂

  4. It’s quite a relief to know that there is someone else who feels similar to what I feel. I often wonder is it me? Am I wrong for having such strong resentment towards my mom? I think it’s overrated that you HAVE to love someone just because they are family. Love should be something you want to give. But a part of me feels guilty for being so angry at her. I think my guilt has a lot to do with society. And that’s just not fair!

  5. Angela,

    Thank you for your comment. I hope to see you stop by again in the future. I agree about society making people feel the guilt about loving someone. Love is something you should want to give absolutely. Society shapes a lot about us now that I think about it.

    Hope to see you visit again.

    JO

  6. Jo

    I understand EVERYTHING you have written, I really do! My father passed away this Christmas and I ended up in counselling but the strange thing was, all I did was talk about my mother! Like you, as the only girl, I never felt allowed to have a relationship with my father because my mother was always so jealous. My three brothers could see him whenever they wanted, but me, I had to see him always with her.

    My counsellor has taught me that it’s ok not to like my mother and it’s a natural response to have negative feelings for someone who has never shown love, understanding or compassion.

    When my mother passes away I know my head will be totally messed up by guilt, loss, anger and confusion. Knowing this will happen scares me as I don’t seem to grieve well anyway but I’m prepared for this now more than ever.

    Don’t be hard on yourself about your feelings towards your mother, if she is anything like mine, she doesn’t deserve your empathy or compassion. Nothing is ever enough for people who feed off others’ emotions.

    You will grieve and you will be confused but you know what, with a bit of decent counselling, you will also become free and I so look forward to that feeling one day!

    Take care

  7. I know how you feel. Actually that is how I got to this page..except that for me, its my dad that I donot get along with. he does things that make me soooo mad, I boil. I cannot begin to tell you what they are….I dont even remember some….. The only conversations I have with him are just one word greetings, or one word goodbyes or heated arguments with tears. He goes to the village about once a month or so and spends two weeks there. Those are always the happiest and most free weeks for me every month. I dread the day he gets back and I always look forward to the day he has to travel again. Waitng a day for him to leave for the village always feels too long a wait.
    I also ask myself if I will grieve if he dies before me. At this rate, I think I will be happy. But that really hurts and scares me because he is my Dad.
    Makes me feel horrible about myself and I start hating myself, and worrying that I donot honor my dad like Christ wants us to honour our parents in the ten commandments he gave us.
    Sometimes I feel that if I am to go to hell, that will be the sole reason because I do not like my dad.

    Im sorry I have no solution for you. But I guess it helps to know that you are not alone in this.

    Take care

  8. Don’t feel guilty. My mother died yesterday morning, and I feel nothing. I’ve actually tried to feel bad. I’ve tried to cry. Nothing comes. My mother was terribly jealous of me and my father, which was ridiculous. She abused my brother and me, mostly by slapping us across the face frequently an by humiliating acts. I am 68 years old, and I still can’t shake the resentment, the anger. My father was kind, and when he died, I wasin pieces, but with mother? Nothing yet. Al we can do is be true to ourselves, and if we’re hurt. we’re hurt. Life will go on, and we will meet many kind people. My mother didn’t happen to be one of them.

  9. Julie, sorry it took so long to respond to your comment. Thank you so much for your words of comfort there. I appreciate it. I hope to see you stop by in the future.

    JO

  10. Anne, you are so right. We can only be true to ourselves so when the time comes to deal with my mom’s death I can only be true to myself and my feelings. How can one go wrong there? I don’t think they can. Thank you for your comment and I hope to see you stop by again. 🙂

    JO

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