What if I don’t grieve for my mom when she goes?
I’ve been thinking about this question for about three years now. It’s been no secret throughout my BLOG here at Just Ordinary that my relationship with my mom isn’t what you’d call special. It is more like a roller coaster mainly throwing me off the ride bruised and battered. I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for childhood things that had gone on and I have a lot of anger and resentment for a situation going on right now. The resentment has grown so much I don’t even feel the need to talk to her.
I avoid calling her most of the time. My younger brother lives in our childhood home and she is there sometimes and by chance I stumble on her answering the phone. Sometimes she’ll call from there or my brother’s cell and I’ll answer thinking it is him but it is her. Honestly though if I know it is her, most of the time I wouldn’t answer. Is it wrong to feel this way toward my own mom? My therapist has told me no. She says I should set the boundaries for what kind of relationship I want to have with her. I get that totally but I still at times have a hard time with the guilt of knowing just the fact that “she’s my mom”. I feel guilty. My dad taught me to respect my mom, love her even when she’s wrong. He raised me with that belief and he instilled it in me to always love family. Family was important to my dad. Respecting parents was important to my dad. I think my dad wanted me to love mom like he loved his mom. I think he wanted me to respect mom like he respected his mom. I’m not sure I can do that anymore.
I have so much negativity towards my mom I wonder if I’d cry when she goes. Will I grieve her? How will it look if I don’t? How wrong is it is I don’t? What is wrong with me that I think I won’t cry or grieve her?
I grieved for many years over the relationship I yearned for with her. Growing up I needed her in so many ways that a young girl does and she wasn’t there. She treated me differently then my brothers. I believe she was jealous of the relationship I had with dad but I was just a little girl. Now I’m grown. I have girls of my own and I am completely opposite of what she was raising them. I feel bad though because not only did she shun me growing up she has shunned my girls. She has shunned her grandkids that have surrounded her there in my hometown. It is sad yes, but it makes me angry. It reminds me of the times I reached out to her in attempts to repair our relationship. The times I tried to make her love me and she wouldn’t.
I get so angry and I think she doesn’t deserved to be grieved anymore. I have grieved over that woman enough. Is that wrong of me?
I’ve tried to forgive her even. I tried to have a grown woman relationship with her and she even fucked that up by doing what she is doing right now. Again, resentment builds, and I was left battered and bruised from the roller coaster ride with her.
A part of me blames her for me being so ill now. I think all the years growing up with her and the problems, and then reliving it as a grown woman spent my health. It made me sick in the end. It wore me down seriously. That is another reason I just said I was done with her. Is it wrong for me to feel such resentment that it really doesn’t matter if I talk to her again? I know that is wrong from what dad taught me…I know that is not how it is supposed to be but in my reality mom isn’t mom.
Mom is selfish and doesn’t care who she hurts by what she does. That is mom and Rachel is tired of that shit I mean really tired of that fucking shit. This current situation with her pushed me over the edge and some day I will write about it here. It is boiling inside of me and it needs released soon, or I’ll end up sick again. She makes me sick and I’m down for weeks over worrying about it and keeping it all inside. What she is doing right now…if it isn’t stopped before her time to go I am afraid I won’t cry and I won’t grieve.
I really don’t want it to be that way…