Bye-Bye Mariah Carey (Please listen while you read the letter)
I haven’t written in a while but I’m missing you these past few days. I thought about you a lot today. I sometimes just look at my cell phone wishing I could call you. I call J for advice on some things I would most likely be calling you for. I don’t talk to R, but I wish I did. I don’t talk to JS either, and well it would be that way even if you were here I’m sure. I talk to C a lot, and I’m glad for that. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for C if I just didn’t call. I wonder if it would be good for him like it is good for me not to talk to JS.
I started an anonymous BLOG to let out my demons that I can’t post in my Just Ordinary one. There are things there that would break your heart but I have to get it out dad. I just can’t hold it all in anymore. It will hold some pretty dark things but if I don’t let it out I’m afraid of what it will do dad. Please understand that I’m not hanging out my dirty laundry for the world. I’m just hanging out some troubles for some support or just some release. I have to find peace dad. I know you want me to find peace and I know you would want me to find it in a different manner but dad I’ve tried everything. I’ve done therapy. I take happy pills. I’ve tried to pretend. I try to write it out, but I can’t when people know it’s me dad. I just can’t. The shame is too much. Please try to understand.
I know you know I was a messed up kid. I know that because you were so strict. I know you knew so much more. I know now that I’m grown. God I miss you dad. So hard to say bye bye….even after twelve years. I need a hug from you dad so bad. One of my favorite singers just recently did a song called “Bye Bye”. You remember Mariah? The one I use to sing to in the bedroom? The one you use to make me sing in front of people who came to get electronics fixed? Yeah I still love to sing and I still love Mariah. I swear this song she’s done is like she has read my BLOG, my letters to you, and read my mind dad. I hurt so badly with you gone. So much you haven’t had a chance to see…my beautiful girls, my wonderful husband, my home….it is so unfair!
You know the one picture I have of us together. The only one I have…I cherish that picture so much dad. I am so glad I have it. You have no idea how special that picture is to me. I try to think about you being my guardian angel to make it a little easier as life goes on. Day after day things just go on and I hope you are my guardian angel. You were my guardian angel when you were here…remembering my first official date? I was dressed up with a skirt and blouse and before the boy and I left you had said remember Rachel remember a girl can run faster with her skirt up then a boy can with his pants down. I was so embarrassed then, but I look back now, and I see a man full of such wisdom. There was so much I took for granted in you as I look back on times like that I see it and I’m so sorry for that. You deserved so much more respect then I gave you daddy. I can’t go back no, and I know I shouldn’t beat myself up now about it but I just wanted to tell you now, I wanted to tell you I was sorry and I see it all now as I look back on times.
Missing you will never change dad. Writing you will never stop. Thinking of you will go on until the day I die. My love and respect for you will never die. I’ve only have known three true good men in my life and you are the top of that list, R is one, and my husband is the other. I hope you really are happy where ever you are. I hope you are really at peace too.
I love and miss you dad…