Monthly Archives: April 2008

What if I don’t grieve for my mom when she goes?

I’ve been thinking about this question for about three years now. It’s been no secret throughout my BLOG here at Just Ordinary that my relationship with my mom isn’t what you’d call special. It is more like a roller coaster mainly throwing me off the ride bruised and battered. I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for childhood things that had gone on and I have a lot of anger and resentment for a situation going on right now. The resentment has grown so much I don’t even feel the need to talk to her.

I avoid calling her most of the time. My younger brother lives in our childhood home and she is there sometimes and by chance I stumble on her answering the phone. Sometimes she’ll call from there or my brother’s cell and I’ll answer thinking it is him but it is her. Honestly though if I know it is her, most of the time I wouldn’t answer. Is it wrong to feel this way toward my own mom? My therapist has told me no. She says I should set the boundaries for what kind of relationship I want to have with her. I get that totally but I still at times have a hard time with the guilt of knowing just the fact that “she’s my mom”. I feel guilty. My dad taught me to respect my mom, love her even when she’s wrong. He raised me with that belief and he instilled it in me to always love family. Family was important to my dad. Respecting parents was important to my dad. I think my dad wanted me to love mom like he loved his mom. I think he wanted me to respect mom like he respected his mom. I’m not sure I can do that anymore.

I have so much negativity towards my mom I wonder if I’d cry when she goes. Will I grieve her? How will it look if I don’t? How wrong is it is I don’t? What is wrong with me that I think I won’t cry or grieve her?

I grieved for many years over the relationship I yearned for with her. Growing up I needed her in so many ways that a young girl does and she wasn’t there. She treated me differently then my brothers. I believe she was jealous of the relationship I had with dad but I was just a little girl. Now I’m grown. I have girls of my own and I am completely opposite of what she was raising them. I feel bad though because not only did she shun me growing up she has shunned my girls. She has shunned her grandkids that have surrounded her there in my hometown. It is sad yes, but it makes me angry. It reminds me of the times I reached out to her in attempts to repair our relationship. The times I tried to make her love me and she wouldn’t.

I get so angry and I think she doesn’t deserved to be grieved anymore. I have grieved over that woman enough. Is that wrong of me?

I’ve tried to forgive her even. I tried to have a grown woman relationship with her and she even fucked that up by doing what she is doing right now. Again, resentment builds, and I was left battered and bruised from the roller coaster ride with her.

A part of me blames her for me being so ill now. I think all the years growing up with her and the problems, and then reliving it as a grown woman spent my health. It made me sick in the end. It wore me down seriously. That is another reason I just said I was done with her. Is it wrong for me to feel such resentment that it really doesn’t matter if I talk to her again? I know that is wrong from what dad taught me…I know that is not how it is supposed to be but in my reality mom isn’t mom.

Mom is selfish and doesn’t care who she hurts by what she does. That is mom and Rachel is tired of that shit I mean really tired of that fucking shit. This current situation with her pushed me over the edge and some day I will write about it here. It is boiling inside of me and it needs released soon, or I’ll end up sick again. She makes me sick and I’m down for weeks over worrying about it and keeping it all inside. What she is doing right now…if it isn’t stopped before her time to go I am afraid I won’t cry and I won’t grieve.

I really don’t want it to be that way…

Dear Dad,

Bye-Bye Mariah Carey (Please listen while you read the letter)

I haven’t written in a while but I’m missing you these past few days. I thought about you a lot today. I sometimes just look at my cell phone wishing I could call you. I call J for advice on some things I would most likely be calling you for. I don’t talk to R, but I wish I did. I don’t talk to JS either, and well it would be that way even if you were here I’m sure. I talk to C a lot, and I’m glad for that. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for C if I just didn’t call. I wonder if it would be good for him like it is good for me not to talk to JS.

I started an anonymous BLOG to let out my demons that I can’t post in my Just Ordinary one. There are things there that would break your heart but I have to get it out dad. I just can’t hold it all in anymore. It will hold some pretty dark things but if I don’t let it out I’m afraid of what it will do dad. Please understand that I’m not hanging out my dirty laundry for the world. I’m just hanging out some troubles for some support or just some release. I have to find peace dad. I know you want me to find peace and I know you would want me to find it in a different manner but dad I’ve tried everything. I’ve done therapy. I take happy pills. I’ve tried to pretend. I try to write it out, but I can’t when people know it’s me dad. I just can’t. The shame is too much. Please try to understand.

I know you know I was a messed up kid. I know that because you were so strict. I know you knew so much more. I know now that I’m grown. God I miss you dad. So hard to say bye bye….even after twelve years. I need a hug from you dad so bad. One of my favorite singers just recently did a song called “Bye Bye”. You remember Mariah? The one I use to sing to in the bedroom? The one you use to make me sing in front of people who came to get electronics fixed? Yeah I still love to sing and I still love Mariah. I swear this song she’s done is like she has read my BLOG, my letters to you, and read my mind dad. I hurt so badly with you gone. So much you haven’t had a chance to see…my beautiful girls, my wonderful husband, my home….it is so unfair!

You know the one picture I have of us together. The only one I have…I cherish that picture so much dad. I am so glad I have it. You have no idea how special that picture is to me. I try to think about you being my guardian angel to make it a little easier as life goes on. Day after day things just go on and I hope you are my guardian angel. You were my guardian angel when you were here…remembering my first official date? I was dressed up with a skirt and blouse and before the boy and I left you had said remember Rachel remember a girl can run faster with her skirt up then a boy can with his pants down. I was so embarrassed then, but I look back now, and I see a man full of such wisdom. There was so much I took for granted in you as I look back on times like that I see it and I’m so sorry for that. You deserved so much more respect then I gave you daddy. I can’t go back no, and I know I shouldn’t beat myself up now about it but I just wanted to tell you now, I wanted to tell you I was sorry and I see it all now as I look back on times.

Missing you will never change dad. Writing you will never stop. Thinking of you will go on until the day I die. My love and respect for you will never die. I’ve only have known three true good men in my life and you are the top of that list, R is one, and my husband is the other. I hope you really are happy where ever you are. I hope you are really at peace too.

I love and miss you dad…
Love Rachel

Two Days Down With Fibromyalgia Attack

Well I just came out of an awful fibromyalgia attack that lasted two days. The lyrica I am on had done nothing for me unfortunately. My other meds didn’t do much to help either. I spent most of those two days in bed under blankets. I only came out when I had no other choice.

I felt as if I had the flu. I had chills, aches, headache, however I didn’t have a fever and I wasn’t throwing up. This is how the fibromyalgia affects me when it hits. I am assuming it was because we went from having 70-degree weather to snow and low 30-degree weather. Winter is no friend to someone who suffers from fibromyalgia. It was absolutely terrible. My question is why wasn’t my lyrica working for me?

I have been taking my lyrica now for a good three months or so. I am thinking maybe I am becoming immune to the pills. I will definitely have to ask my doctor when I go to see her on May 6th. Hard to fight depression when these attacks keep coming.

I started smoking again. That is something I am very upset about. I started back about three weeks ago! I am not smoking a lot but even a few is bad! I knew I was going to slip back into it with the dreams I was having. Yeah, I was dreaming about smoking can you believe that shit?? Crazy!

Well I guess maybe the lyrica isn’t so bad because now that I think about it the lyrica will do me good five out of seven days so maybe I was just due for those bad two days. I’ll see what my doctor says about this. Just wanted to give an update. This is why it took so long to get the part four up to the story I have been writing The Seed Of Infidelity.

The Seed Of Infidelity Pt. 4

“I’m going to take you home with me tonight. We’ll just get a night bag of some of your stuff and go.” She said as Cassie pulled her face out of her arms to look over to the bathroom.

“OK mom that is a good idea.” Cassie turned toward her mom, “Mom can I come stay with you for a while? Until I can sort some things out, I can’t stay here.” She pushed her hair back out from her flushed face.

“Of course you can stay with me honey. You can stay as long as you need.” She hugged her tightly and then went to the bedroom to gather some things. Cassie stood staring into the bathroom all the while her mom was gathering her some things. She didn’t have any idea what she was going to do about the baby. How was she going to raise a baby alone? She had decided that tonight she would break the news to her mom about the child she carried.

Cassie loved her mom and didn’t want to keep anything from her so it was important for her to share the news about the baby. She hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy. Thomas didn’t even get a chance to know and Cassie wasn’t even sure she would have even told him. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to stay with him. Now a lot of those problems had been solved. Thomas was out of the picture regardless of what Cassie really wanted.

Cassie loved Thomas. When they met at the local bar in town she wasn’t all that enthused over him actually. He was quiet, and she was sociable. She did think he was a very good- looking guy. He had shoulder length fine black hair, hazel eyes and a long nose. He was clean cut. She just wasn’t sure if he was her type. It didn’t take long though to figure out that he was her match. She fell deeply in love with Thomas and was so ecstatic to marry him. It was the happiest day of her life. Now she was without her Thomas and facing an uncertain future. Would she keep her child?

They arrived at Carla’s and Cassie felt a little relief being out of that small one bedroom apartment she once called home. She knew she would have to go in the morning to start packing up the things there but tonight she had a sense of release.

This was her childhood home and not much had changed over the years. It was a huge five-bedroom brick home. Her parents were a happy couple or so she thought growing up. She hardly had seen them fight. Then again her dad was gone a lot. He traveled a whole bunch for business.

Cassie carried her two bags up stairs to her childhood bedroom. The paint on the walls and the bedroom décor had changed over the years, but it was still her room. It was a queen size bed with a roman pillars and a canopy overtop. The theme bedroom set matched the roman features in the room. The colors gold and red burst throughout the room on the floor, wall and bed coverings.

She loved the built in bench by the large window. She remembers sitting there many times looking out at the stars in the nighttime. There were times she remembers sitting there in the mornings breathing in the fresh air from the climbing roses outside the window seal.

“Oh look here.” She picks up a statue from the top of her dresser. “This is still here.”

It was a statue that her dad had brought back for her on one of his trips to Rome. It was a beautiful woman with a canister. She was posed as if she were watering flowers. She loved that statue. Most of her childhood things she left here at home. She never felt quite right about taking any of it with her when she left home. Look at her now. She is back home and carrying a child of her own. What will she do?

“Cassie dear. Would you like to come have something to eat?” her mom called up the stairs. “I can have Raqueem make something quick for us.”

“Sure mom lets eat and talk. I’ll be down after I put my things away.” Cassie yelled back.

This was it she thought. I have to tell her about the baby. Maybe she can give me some good advice. She was always so good with that. She always seemed to know what to do. She headed downstairs.

The Seed Of Infidelity Pt. 3

“Oh God why did you do this Thomas? What am I going to do now? Our child…our child…your child…” her face fell into her palms and she wept there on the floor of their small one bedroom apartment.

Carla was standing in the lobby as they walk past her with Thomas in a body bag. She watched them put him in the back of the ambulance and drive off. She knew she had to get upstairs to her daughter right away.

She crept into the apartment. The door was left open; she saw Cassandra knelt down on the floor weeping. She stood there a few steps behind her looking upon the apartment. She knew it wouldn’t be good for Cassie to stay there. She needed to come home with her.

Thomas fell in love with her when he first laid eyes on her in the small town bar. The way she sang into that microphone with passion. The way she smiled at the crowd that looked upon her. She alluringly swept him into her performance as if she were an angel singing a hymn from heaven. The next thing he knew he was on stage with her singing a duet and enjoying every second he had with her.

Thomas thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. She was tall and sleek. She had a sense of style that stood out in the crowd because she carried herself with such confidence. Her curly brown hair reached the middle of her back. He loved how it swayed as she danced around with each song she sang. Her green eyes sparkled with the lights shimmering below her on the stage. He wanted her. He had to have a way to reach her again after this night.

He watched her for the rest of the night. She showed such a fun side that he was determined to get her number at the end of the night. Bartender called for last calls. Thomas sent an amaretto sour over to her table. She looked around wondering where it came from and how anyone knew what she was drinking. The crowd started to disperse from the bar he knew he had to be out there before her. He waited outside by the entrance to the bar waiting for her to walk out. He had planned to bump into her clumsily and then ask for her number.

“Uh, I’m sorry about that. Are you OK?” He gently grabbed onto her arm so that she wouldn’t tumble over.

“Well, I guess I had one too many drinks tonight!” Giggling as she looked up into his eyes smiling.

“Well, can I walk you to your car?” Smiling back at her still holding her arm.

“Actually I, I, well sure what can it hurt?” she looked out to the parking lot down the ramp they stood on.

“It was real fun singing that song with you tonight. Never thought I’d ever do something like karaoke!” laughing, “my friends will never let me live this down.”

“Well it was fun for me too. I love doing karaoke. You don’t have to be good, BUT you do have to have a good time! Glad you had fun!” Pointing to a silver Capri that was just footsteps away. She started digging in her black leather purse for the keys.

“You sure you should drive?” he asked assuming she was looking for keys.

“Oh! I am not driving, no way! My girlfriend is my sober pal tonight. See her there standing by that silver Capri?” Pointing over to her friends shadow by the car.

“Oh well that is good to hear. You live around here?” he stopped and gently stopped her from walking onward too.

“Yeah I live, yeah I’m from around here. You?” she started to walk again.

“Hey girl! You were terrific tonight!” a sharp high pitch feminine voice yelled from the dark shadows by the car.

“Of course she is going to say that. What are friends for if not to let you humiliate yourself while they watch?” laughing she drops her purse and some of her makeup falls out. She attempts to save it and tumbles to the ground out of the gentle grasp of Thomas.

“Well I can say with seeing you down there on the ground it really is good she is here to drive you.” Smiling down at her reaching his hand out to help her up. She reaches for his hand and starts busting out laughing and it wasn’t long Thomas was laughing with her. He bent down and helped her to her feet.

“I would really love to know the name of the lady who actually got me onto a stage to do karaoke.”

“My name is Cassandra but my friends call me Cassie. Yours?” Now standing on the passenger side of the car.

“My name is Thomas and only my enemies call me Tom.” Smiling as he opens the door for her. “I would like to see you again, can I have your number?”

“I don’t see any harm in that.” She grabs a piece of paper from the console and writes her number out for him. “Here you go, now where is yours?” she held her number with her empty palm out waiting for his number to be given to her.

“OK write this down. 967-4532.” Holding his hand out to grab her number.

The ladies drive off from the parking lot, and he stands there smiling for a moment with the number in his pocket.

Thomas and Cassie dated for six months before he popped the question. Everyone around them said they were crazy. Everyone said they should wait a while longer. They knew that they loved each other and that was all that mattered then. No one was changing the minds of two young hearts that had such fun and passion together. So they were married with no real plan on the future.

“Cassie” her mom said softly as she placed her hand on Cassie’s shoulder.

“Why would he do this mom!” she shrieked as she wept into the palm of her hands. Her mom bent down and sat beside her daughter and pulled her into her arms.

“I don’t know Cassie. I don’t know.” She stroked her hair as she held her and rocked her as she wept in her arms.

“I’m going to take you home with me tonight. We’ll just get a night bag of some of your stuff and go.” She said as Cassie pulled her face out of her arms to look over to the bathroom.