Monthly Archives: March 2008

I feel so alone….

I’m disgusted with myself. I weigh too much now and I slipped three times on smoking! Yes, I’ve smoked three cigarettes in the past couple weeks. I dream about them and I think about them constantly. It is enough to drive you nuts almost. I am so drawn to them especially now that I need to lose thirty pounds.

I’ve started a few new medicines and that has put on some of the weight. It isn’t only the pills. I can’t do a regular exercise routine due to pain from that damn tumor! I did ten sit-ups and it about killed me today. My back pain is a nine right now on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain. I’m also medicated! I don’t know what to do folks. I’m becoming a blimp. I don’t want to be one of those people who will go on the Oprah Winfrey show because she can’t get out of her bed because she is too fat.

I started taking some diet pills to help curb my appetite, which is funny because I don’t have much of one anyway. I just don’t get it. It is putting me into a bad depression too…I’m trying so hard to fight it and fight the urge to smoke. I can’t be 174 lbs people. It was hard to be my normal weight of 140 lbs. I struggled to be there. Food has always been an enemy. I don’t like to eat.

I think back to the days when I starved myself. I was an easy 20 lbs under weight then and I stayed that way for years. Even after my first child I was 20 lbs under weight. I loved it. I love being thin. It is sexy to me and it makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel in control too and I miss that big time. I was 124 lbs when I got married in 2005. Boy if I could only get back to that.

I found out through therapy that the reason I starve/starved myself was to have control. Everything else in my life was out of control and I couldn’t control it. What I put in my body as far as food I could control and I do/did. I fight the urge to go back to that too. I fight that everyday as I force myself to eat dinner with a smile with my family.

I don’t eat breakfast and I don’t eat lunch. I have a small dinner most nights. I don’t get where the weight is coming from and it is driving me to urges that I don’t want to give into. It is easy to skip breakfast and lunch right now because my oldest child is in school and my husband works. Not sure how it will work come summer.

If my dad were here I could call him and just talk to him about it. Talk to him about the issues I’m having. I wish I could hear his voice in times like these. Twelve years this month he’s been gone and I still mourn.

My husband and I have been having some rough patches the past few days/nights. Doesn’t every marriage? I was thinking last night that I would have nowhere to go if things fell apart for me now. Home isn’t home in Ohio. It stop being home March 7, 1996.

I’m estranged from one brother because of past abuse. I hardly talk to him. I’ve forgiven him but it is the way it is.

I want to be close to my oldest brother, but he has so much bitterness that he hangs onto that our relationship would never be a happy one for real. It would be one of those fake happy relationships and I’d walk on eggshells all the time.

My youngest brother has a lot of growing up to do. He carries a lot on his shoulders too. I’ve done things to him that I hope he’s forgiven me for. I’m not proud of them at all and I wish I could take it back. I love him a whole bunch. We’re not close because I figure it is easier for him if I’m further away from him.

My other brother, well, we’re the closest. We’ve been through a lot and we have a lot in common and talk well together. Unfortunately we distance ourselves as well away from each other to make life a little easier for the both of us for reasons I won’t say.

I love my family. I love my brothers even the bad in them that has washed away over the years. I wish we weren’t so damn divided or distanced among each other. I wish we were closer to one another like a family truly should be. I wish my dad were here to help make it that way…it was like that when he was alive for a long time. God takes the rose from the family and always leaves the thorns. I believe that.

I just feel like I have no one to turn to right now. Yeah I know you are probably saying well what about your husband…this isn’t something I want to turn to him about and I don’t know why…

I feel very alone right now…I hope it passes soon.

Until next time…



Me and My Lyrica

I want to discuss lyrica for a bit here. I hope you don’t mind. After all, I do suffer from fibromyalgia and perhaps you do too. I’m sure you all have seen the commercial out for the drug.

I have been taking it for a while now. I must say that it has been a miracle drug for me. Not only has it helped with my fibromyalgia on most days, it has helped me with the nerve pain I have from a tumor I have attached to the sciatic nerve in my back.

There are different sets of dosing recommendations for lyrica depending on what you have been prescribed lyrica for. For fibromyalgia, which is what I was given the lyrica for, I have been put on the dose of 450mg. 450mg is the highest dose recommended for fibromyalgia patients. I tolerate the drug so this dose level works for me. We tried the lesser dose level 300mg, but it was not suiting my needs. The higher dose allows me to function all day on most days.

I do however have a few complaints and concerns about it. The medicine makes me feel a slight high feeling when it first starts to work. I worry about addiction with long-term usage of the pill. I seem to want to snack a lot lately. I’m not sure if that is due to the lyrica or one other pill I take. It makes me want to constantly be moving or doing something too. I have twitches now due to the lyrica. They are a little bothersome but hey I’ll take it compared to how it was before the lyrica. Right now that seems to be the only qualms I have with the medication. I’ll keep you posted if things change in the future.

I’m done for the night. Reading a book right now and I want to go do that and relax before I head to bed. Have a good one.

Until next time….