Daily Archives: Monday, March 24, 2008
My husband and I tried to talk last night. We didn’t get very far. I’m not surprised. He wanted to talk about why I get upset when he goes out with his friends and I tried to explain to him. I should have just come out and said I am just fucked up.
I told him that a part of me gets jealous and resents him for having friends and a life outside the house. I told him all I do is stay home and take care of the kids. I have no friends anymore because I haven’t worked since 2005. I also told him having a chronic disability makes it hard to want to go out with people too. He said he should not have to put up with the attitude I get when he wants to go out. I agree but I didn’t say anything. A few moments later I told him that the only thing I’m able to do right now that gets me out of the house is shopping.
Of course shopping is a problem because he thinks I spend too much. Usually I don’t but this past month I certainly did so I won’t be shopping for a while. Anyway, we started talking about me going out to shop. I told him it isn’t fair for him to put it in my face what I spend on groceries, and our kid’s stuff they need when he goes and spends money going out with his friends. It just ended up being a small argument and I just stopped talking. What the fuck is the point.
I know it isn’t my husband’s fault that I’m disabled. I know it isn’t his fault I have no friends right now. I know I shouldn’t be pissed at him or jealous that he has a life outside our home. I am though. I am just fucked up I guess.
Lyrica has been a wonderful drug for me. It has even helped with the tumor pain! I am feeling good enough to want to go out and enjoy life again but I can’t because I have no friends. Where do I begin to meet people again with my situation? I thought maybe the coffee shop…but what would you say to someone? I don’t want to meet parents of my kids friends- I don’t want to list the reasons why right now either- some other time I’ll tell you about that.
I fix myself up now because I feel good taking this lyrica but I am beginning to think what the fuck is the point on that too…why even fucking bother??? I don’t go anywhere
Ah…I just need a huge change in my life I think…but what?
Hope you all had a good Easter if you celebrate it. I’m off the blog now to write some on my novel.
Until next time….