Daily Archives: Monday, March 17, 2008

I feel so alone….

I’m disgusted with myself. I weigh too much now and I slipped three times on smoking! Yes, I’ve smoked three cigarettes in the past couple weeks. I dream about them and I think about them constantly. It is enough to drive you nuts almost. I am so drawn to them especially now that I need to lose thirty pounds.

I’ve started a few new medicines and that has put on some of the weight. It isn’t only the pills. I can’t do a regular exercise routine due to pain from that damn tumor! I did ten sit-ups and it about killed me today. My back pain is a nine right now on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain. I’m also medicated! I don’t know what to do folks. I’m becoming a blimp. I don’t want to be one of those people who will go on the Oprah Winfrey show because she can’t get out of her bed because she is too fat.

I started taking some diet pills to help curb my appetite, which is funny because I don’t have much of one anyway. I just don’t get it. It is putting me into a bad depression too…I’m trying so hard to fight it and fight the urge to smoke. I can’t be 174 lbs people. It was hard to be my normal weight of 140 lbs. I struggled to be there. Food has always been an enemy. I don’t like to eat.

I think back to the days when I starved myself. I was an easy 20 lbs under weight then and I stayed that way for years. Even after my first child I was 20 lbs under weight. I loved it. I love being thin. It is sexy to me and it makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel in control too and I miss that big time. I was 124 lbs when I got married in 2005. Boy if I could only get back to that.

I found out through therapy that the reason I starve/starved myself was to have control. Everything else in my life was out of control and I couldn’t control it. What I put in my body as far as food I could control and I do/did. I fight the urge to go back to that too. I fight that everyday as I force myself to eat dinner with a smile with my family.

I don’t eat breakfast and I don’t eat lunch. I have a small dinner most nights. I don’t get where the weight is coming from and it is driving me to urges that I don’t want to give into. It is easy to skip breakfast and lunch right now because my oldest child is in school and my husband works. Not sure how it will work come summer.

If my dad were here I could call him and just talk to him about it. Talk to him about the issues I’m having. I wish I could hear his voice in times like these. Twelve years this month he’s been gone and I still mourn.

My husband and I have been having some rough patches the past few days/nights. Doesn’t every marriage? I was thinking last night that I would have nowhere to go if things fell apart for me now. Home isn’t home in Ohio. It stop being home March 7, 1996.

I’m estranged from one brother because of past abuse. I hardly talk to him. I’ve forgiven him but it is the way it is.

I want to be close to my oldest brother, but he has so much bitterness that he hangs onto that our relationship would never be a happy one for real. It would be one of those fake happy relationships and I’d walk on eggshells all the time.

My youngest brother has a lot of growing up to do. He carries a lot on his shoulders too. I’ve done things to him that I hope he’s forgiven me for. I’m not proud of them at all and I wish I could take it back. I love him a whole bunch. We’re not close because I figure it is easier for him if I’m further away from him.

My other brother, well, we’re the closest. We’ve been through a lot and we have a lot in common and talk well together. Unfortunately we distance ourselves as well away from each other to make life a little easier for the both of us for reasons I won’t say.

I love my family. I love my brothers even the bad in them that has washed away over the years. I wish we weren’t so damn divided or distanced among each other. I wish we were closer to one another like a family truly should be. I wish my dad were here to help make it that way…it was like that when he was alive for a long time. God takes the rose from the family and always leaves the thorns. I believe that.

I just feel like I have no one to turn to right now. Yeah I know you are probably saying well what about your husband…this isn’t something I want to turn to him about and I don’t know why…

I feel very alone right now…I hope it passes soon.

Until next time…