Monthly Archives: March 2008

Pocket Full Of Sunshine

I just had to post this up here! I absolutely love the song. It fits me right perfectly. Every word in this song is me right now. You will enjoy it too simply because it’s a great song!

Natasha Bedingfield – Pocket Full of Sunshine

Confusion on depression…

I just don’t get it folks. Nothing is making sense to me. I am so happy in my life but I am so damn depressed. I have a beautiful home that I love so much! I am happy where I live now. I have two wonderful beautiful daughters! My husband is the greatest man I’ve known besides my dad. (Everyone has faults) I have all this surrounding me but I have this depression haunting me at every turn! What the fuck is wrong with me folks? Why is it this way?

I said to myself at one point I was only going to look at the goodness in my life and not even think about the melancholy but it still lurks in my mind. The devil is on my back. I smoked another cigarette yesterday too! The devil is also my depression. I want to write him away…I want him to disappear with my words on paper like he use to but I can’t seem to get that anymore either.

I sit down to write and the only thing that comes out is crap. My rhymes are for children. My stories are for no one. I am working on my novel and yesterday I came up with nothing! Writers block again…

Depression is so hard to understand…

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Depression in a Relationship

My husband and I tried to talk last night. We didn’t get very far. I’m not surprised. He wanted to talk about why I get upset when he goes out with his friends and I tried to explain to him. I should have just come out and said I am just fucked up.

I told him that a part of me gets jealous and resents him for having friends and a life outside the house. I told him all I do is stay home and take care of the kids. I have no friends anymore because I haven’t worked since 2005. I also told him having a chronic disability makes it hard to want to go out with people too. He said he should not have to put up with the attitude I get when he wants to go out. I agree but I didn’t say anything. A few moments later I told him that the only thing I’m able to do right now that gets me out of the house is shopping.

Of course shopping is a problem because he thinks I spend too much. Usually I don’t but this past month I certainly did so I won’t be shopping for a while. Anyway, we started talking about me going out to shop. I told him it isn’t fair for him to put it in my face what I spend on groceries, and our kid’s stuff they need when he goes and spends money going out with his friends. It just ended up being a small argument and I just stopped talking. What the fuck is the point.

I know it isn’t my husband’s fault that I’m disabled. I know it isn’t his fault I have no friends right now. I know I shouldn’t be pissed at him or jealous that he has a life outside our home. I am though. I am just fucked up I guess.

Lyrica has been a wonderful drug for me. It has even helped with the tumor pain! I am feeling good enough to want to go out and enjoy life again but I can’t because I have no friends. Where do I begin to meet people again with my situation? I thought maybe the coffee shop…but what would you say to someone? I don’t want to meet parents of my kids friends- I don’t want to list the reasons why right now either- some other time I’ll tell you about that.

I fix myself up now because I feel good taking this lyrica but I am beginning to think what the fuck is the point on that too…why even fucking bother??? I don’t go anywhere
Ah…I just need a huge change in my life I think…but what?

Hope you all had a good Easter if you celebrate it. I’m off the blog now to write some on my novel.

Until next time….
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JO

Raging Storm

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There’s a storm raging inside
You just don’t know what secrets I hide
I’ve got so much at stake here
To tell all I fear
I found comfort in what I had before
I always knew what was to come
Now I feel dead to the core

The wind silences my cry
And my tears have gone dry.

You forsaken me more then once in time
Now the bitter taste of loneliness is buried deep within
Buried with the burden of all your sins
My heart is broken, knowing I wasn’t your shiny star
And way off in the distance is where you are
I needed you so many times and you were never there
What ever made me think you’d truly care?

Now I’m alone wrangling this storm inside.
You just don’t know the secrets I hide.

You broke my trust, my heart, and my pride.
Once upon a time we could have tried.
Love was once something we felt
Before we said good-bye.
Why do I sit here waste my time and cry?
There will never be a need for you to calm this storm.
I have finally found a way to stay warm.

I’ve adapted to the thunder, I’ve rode the waves of the tide
If only you knew the secrets I hide.

Dreams Of You

Here I am alone with my thoughts once more.
I think about all the things I use to adore.
I have this void that fills my soul deep.
Everything inside I long to keep…
The scars from pain
The memories with the depressing rain
Let it all go, I’m afraid to do…
Then I’ll not have any part of you.
Once I loved you so…
Until it was time to let you go.

As I awaken from my nightmare, I find that you are still gone.
I sit and watch my hopes fade once more with the coming of the dawn.
And so I wait, and I listen, for a sign of your presence
So faint are my senses of your heartwarming essence

You’ll never know how much I dream of your kiss
Your sigh ever so sweet passing between our lips
Inside this heart lives our dream come true
But outside this shell lives the reality without you
When I let you go, I set us free…
As time passes on I wonder if you still love me?

Without your memory’s image visits anger, resentment, and fear.
Why did I give you up, my precious, my dear?
I want to hold you close to me and make the past give way.
But nothing on this earth can save me from my own decay.
Every time I tell myself that I’m better off without you…
I hear your voice and I feel my loss of virtue.
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