Been gone a while…

I’ve been away a while again. I went through a real bad rough patch here. I had to reserve everything I had to take care of my daughters.

Just for those who care out there…I’m fine now and figured I’d check in. I have realized that there will be times that I have to take long breaks from the cyber world.

I recently turned 30 and decided to start a journal that my daughters will keep one day when I am gone. (There will be more then one I am sure) I posted the poem I wrote to them on the cover of the journal. They will read it when I die. The journal has basic entries and I write in almost everyday about assorted stuff. I am not holding back while I write it either. Some of what they read will be tough but the cover entry I put explains to them that in life there is good and bad. Love still remains where family is concerned no matter what happens.

It was hard for me to turn 30. I realized that I might have little time left. My dad died at 50 of cancer…and well, I wish he would have left something for me. I think my girls will love having journals that belonged to me. I hope there will be many journals written…and I hope I have many more years to write in them for my daughters.

The truth is though we don’t know. None of know when it will be time to check out…

I want them to have something that was a part of me. It will sooth them in the passing of their mother. Some think I’m obsessed with death…

Maybe I am but I will say death is certain to come. I just want to live like there is no tomorrow. That is how I live now. I enjoy my family, my home and my good days. I want them to read that I enjoyed my time and got through the tough times.

I love them with every ounce of blood inside my body. I just want them to know that after I’m gone…I want them to know I will be better off and that I wasn’t scared and I don’t want them to mourn forever…I still mourn my dad and I think that maybe something could have been done to make my pain less or my time of mourning less if he would have prepared it for me somehow like I am for my girls. I don’t know…I have to try. I have to do this and die knowing I tried to make it as easy as possible for them to go on and live happy…I mean real happiness with no void they search to fill forever like I do over my dad’s death. I don’t want them to be mourning fifteen years after I’ve gone…

I’ve been through some shit in my life and I pray every night my girls won’t face those things.

One day my book will be finished and the world of readers will read about the shit I’ve been through…will it help with mourning my dad? No…it will be a piece of me that my daughters can reach out to if they need it, just like the journals. I can’t reach out for a piece of dad…there is nothing and that makes me so damn sad and angry! All I have are memories stored in my mind and I worry one day they’ll be gone but I can’t reach out to those things.

I’m calling it a night.

Until next time….

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JO

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Monday, February 25, 2008, in Death, depression, family, journal, Journal Pages, life. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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