Monthly Archives: February 2008

~Thank You My Love~

Trying hard to reach the point
Searching for words to flow
Wanting meaning to flow from my fingertips
Wanting words to express the importance of you
Trying hard to not allow any doubt in
Trying hard to not let the lurking memories to devour
Words come to me please
Let my fingers release
Flow from me like past times before
Allow me to unleash happiness I know
Allow me to deplete it from my heart
Let the poetry start…

You are my partner
My true best friend
You keep me standing
When my knees buckle and bend
You listen when I cry
You help me continue to try
You’ve become a solution I’ve required
You’ve fed my passions and what I’ve desired
Thank you my love…

It gets harder each day to hide the fact
I am distracted inside my head
Full of thoughts and memories
You seem to be the only one that gets me
Within the war inside my head
You are a soothing effect I see
Even in times I can’t confide to you
You understand, you truly do
Thank you, my love…

Until my very last breath
I will love you till death

~Finding God Holding My Hand~

Staring out the windows
Hoping for some sign
Looking to the sky
Water forming in my eyes
Give me something here
Let the wind chime swing
Let a bird perch on the branch there
Let the pine trees sway
Give me something here

Stepping out the back door
Barefoot on the pavement
Reaching to the sky
Water streaming from my eyes
Give me something here
Let the rain fall down over me
Roll in those storm clouds
Strike lighting in the ground
Give me something here

Please…

Dropping to my knees
Bare palms on the ground
Praying for some sort of relief
Gasps of breath coming from my grief
I need something here
Fill the void I feel in my heart
Help me make a new start
Take the load I have to bare
I have something here…

Flashing memories of wonderful times lived
Two beautiful girls breathing life
A husband, a real man who loves his wife
A home that stands on land
God is holding my hand…

Been gone a while…

I’ve been away a while again. I went through a real bad rough patch here. I had to reserve everything I had to take care of my daughters.

Just for those who care out there…I’m fine now and figured I’d check in. I have realized that there will be times that I have to take long breaks from the cyber world.

I recently turned 30 and decided to start a journal that my daughters will keep one day when I am gone. (There will be more then one I am sure) I posted the poem I wrote to them on the cover of the journal. They will read it when I die. The journal has basic entries and I write in almost everyday about assorted stuff. I am not holding back while I write it either. Some of what they read will be tough but the cover entry I put explains to them that in life there is good and bad. Love still remains where family is concerned no matter what happens.

It was hard for me to turn 30. I realized that I might have little time left. My dad died at 50 of cancer…and well, I wish he would have left something for me. I think my girls will love having journals that belonged to me. I hope there will be many journals written…and I hope I have many more years to write in them for my daughters.

The truth is though we don’t know. None of know when it will be time to check out…

I want them to have something that was a part of me. It will sooth them in the passing of their mother. Some think I’m obsessed with death…

Maybe I am but I will say death is certain to come. I just want to live like there is no tomorrow. That is how I live now. I enjoy my family, my home and my good days. I want them to read that I enjoyed my time and got through the tough times.

I love them with every ounce of blood inside my body. I just want them to know that after I’m gone…I want them to know I will be better off and that I wasn’t scared and I don’t want them to mourn forever…I still mourn my dad and I think that maybe something could have been done to make my pain less or my time of mourning less if he would have prepared it for me somehow like I am for my girls. I don’t know…I have to try. I have to do this and die knowing I tried to make it as easy as possible for them to go on and live happy…I mean real happiness with no void they search to fill forever like I do over my dad’s death. I don’t want them to be mourning fifteen years after I’ve gone…

I’ve been through some shit in my life and I pray every night my girls won’t face those things.

One day my book will be finished and the world of readers will read about the shit I’ve been through…will it help with mourning my dad? No…it will be a piece of me that my daughters can reach out to if they need it, just like the journals. I can’t reach out for a piece of dad…there is nothing and that makes me so damn sad and angry! All I have are memories stored in my mind and I worry one day they’ll be gone but I can’t reach out to those things.

I’m calling it a night.

Until next time….

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JO

~My Dear Daughters~

Though death comes
Uncertain the time it calls
Memories remain
People actually live on
As long as one holds the memories
To pass on
One will never truly die

So hold back your tears
There is no need to cry
I am closer to you then
You realize my dear…
I’m next to you
As you release stories told here…

Love in memory binds us forever more