Holiday run me down bad…
Well it sure has been a while since I’ve written anything. The holiday had me busy and run down bad. I am just now getting back to what I call semi-normal. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Ours was great. We have a lot to be thankful for.
I am happy to announce that I am still a non-smoker! It hasn’t been so bad either. I quit on December 2nd so it will be a month and five days so far! YAY!!!!
Can you believe I still have some of my Christmas decorations up? I know! I know! I’m telling you I have been so run down. The tree, however, comes down today. I feel good enough to do it and it is driving me mad still being up!
New Years was not much of a New Years here. I just didn’t feel well enough to live it up. I toasted the year in with a nice glass of liquor with my husband and his father then I went to bed. I feel bad when my health interferes with fun stuff I want to do.
I use to throw Halloween parties, Christmas parties, New Years bashes, and small get together with friends. Now I don’t do any of that. Hell I avoid friendships now because I simply don’t feel well enough half the time to deal with them. I don’t have the energy to invest in them. Isn’t that sad?
I always wanted to be that mom that was over involved in my daughter’s school activities. I never had a mom to do those things. My mom wasn’t involved in shit where I was concerned…. I don’t even want to discuss that now. Unfortunately I can’t be that kind of mom for my daughter.
People tell me all the time, “You should get out more. Meet some parents.” You know I know they mean well but they just don’t understand. I don’t want to meet people. I don’t want to get out more. I feel like shit almost every day, I can’t drive without it making my back stab me with pain and burn down my leg (tumor problem), and I just have no energy. When you meet people you have to engage, be friendly, try, create conversation, etc. I don’t have the energy for that crap anymore. My kids take what energy I do have and they deserve it more then some other person.
I mean I would love to be the Rachel I once was. I would love to throw parties again. Would love to take day trips to the mall or meet a friend at a coffee shop. I would love to invite some friends over for a get together. The truth is though I am not that Rachel anymore and I have to come to grips with that finally. Some people in my life think I am depressed and that is why I am the way I am. The fact is it is easier for me and healthier for me to have as little in my life as possible. The energy I have must go to my family and my home.
My depression came about because I couldn’t accept this new Rachel. I couldn’t find a way to be the not so social gal. I struggled for a long time over not being well enough to throw parties, attend parties, hang out with friends, etc.
I have to accept the fact that those days are over for me. It is time for me to be humbled and a homebody that does the best she can to take care of herself and family. That includes not having a lot of “friends” in my life to clutter my wellness.
The cymbalta helps me with that though. Everything is like Lingoslinger said eh whatever. LOL
One day maybe I’ll feel better. Maybe they will find a way to cure me of my ailments and I can really live again without having to explain to everyone around what is wrong or why I don’t do this or that. Maybe someday I won’t have to answer the same tired old question, “Your so young, why do you use a cane?”
It would be nice to not have to depend on those around me so much someday for even small tasks….but thank God for my wonderful husband now.
Thank you all for the wishes you left. I hope you all had a great New Year!
Until next time…