I can’t sleep again. I’ve been up since three a.m. Some of the dreams I have are very disturbing and I don’t even want to write about them. The one I had this morning sent me into a mild panic attack. I haven’t one of those in a long time. I took a nice hot shower to help keep the panic at bay. I wonder if it all falls down to being part of fibromyalgia?
I sometimes wake up with worries that I can’t stop. I worry about someone breaking into the house to harm my girls. I worry about an intruder coming into my house to attack me. Why do these things enter my mind? It only drives me crazy in the moment and I know that I can’t stop those things from happening if they were to happen. BUT I have those thoughts and worries over and over.
When I woke up this morning those weren’t the only things I was thinking of. My mind was racing about all kinds of stupid shit too. Things like what sort of stuffing will I make with the turkey on Christmas day. Should I bake moist banana bread? I mean come on…can’t this sort of thing wait until I actually WANT to be out of bed to surface in my mind??
I wanted a cigarette badly, but I fought the urge and I won. I have been a non-smoker for 12 days now!
I thought a lot about Lucy this morning too, and Gary. They had a candle light vigil at her home Thursday. Many people turned out the local paper said. I definitely would have been there if I had gone back home. I still can’t make sense of something like that happening to someone, especially someone I knew. My heart aches for Gary. He spent 29 years with Lucy and now she’s gone. I can’t help but think about the void I still carry over my dad being gone. I can only attempt to imagine the pain he feels and the void he’ll carry.
A friend of mine said not to try to make sense of this tragedy because it will only drive me crazy. My friend said that some things you can’t make sense of. I guess they are right. I don’t think this tragedy will ever make sense to anyone who was close to Lucy or even those who only read about the story. The holiday will be hard for Gary and his family. They will definitely be in my prayers.
Something else that kept me awake this morning was thought about God and his existence. I was thinking to myself that I know he exists, why don’t others? God is the warning you get in your gut about situations. God is your intuition and judgment. God is what tells you not to drive drunk, not to steal that item, not to disrespect your parents. God is that urge in your to survive when you are in a dangerous situation. That is what God is if you ask me. I am close with God and it explains why I am still alive today and why many bad situations have avoided my path.
Maybe if people who didn’t believe that God existed could read more into their intuition and the warning radar they have…they might just start to believe? I don’t know…
I have to get my daughter up soon for school so I guess I’ll go have a cup of coffee. I am dog-tired and wish that I would stop waking up the way I do.