Monthly Archives: December 2007

18 days not smoking, cymbalta, and Merry Christmas

I have not broken down on the smoking! That itself is a miracle. It has been 18 days! It hasn’t been too bad. I have had a few bad days of cravings. Today was a bad morning. I felt pretty good this morning so I decided to stay up and do some laundry and bake my rosemary bread for the chicken wild rice soup I am making for dinner and once I started doing the little bit of work I wanted to smoke bad! I was drinking coffee so I stopped drinking it at the time. Coffee seems to make my cravings worse. At any rate, I did not break down and go buy cigarettes! I have survived thus far and I am proud!

I haven’t noticed any significant changes toward the positive with my health however. That takes a little more time to see improvement in any area. My success so far is what I said I was going to do this time around, remember those close to me how they suffered through cancer and died, and to think of my two girls and being around longer for them.

You know I was prescribed Cymbalta for depression and it works great on my mood. I also read that it is suppose to help with pain? What a crock of shit! It hasn’t help one iota where my pain is concerned. I seen the commercial today and had to roll my eyes. It says, “Depression hurts….” Blah Blah Blah. I don’t believe that for one moment that depression brings you physical pain. Some will of course believe it because well they’ve been conditioned to believe it and they want that pill. Sorry, I don’t buy that crap. Now I do believe that pain, especially chronic pain, will cause severe depression if there is no remedy or relief. I’m living proof of that scenario. I guess the makers of that cymbalta want a larger group to hand out to so that they can make loads more money. That is just my take on that subject.

Well, I am waiting for a final box to get to my house. I hope it comes today! It is a gift for my girls. They don’t have much from mom and dad under the tree this year for a few reasons. First reason is I refused to buy foreign made toys and goods, especially from china. The reason for that decision was our economy internally and the safety of the toys. Second reason they don’t have much under the tree is I refused to pay the prices of some of the things out there. Who in the world is going to pay $50.00 for a doll? You might, but I refuse to. The final reason the girls don’t have much under the tree this year is financially we are burdened more and I want them to know what Christmas is REALLY about. I don’t want to think every year it is about the toys and gifts like the television wants to program them to believe.

When I first got with my husband, and we had our oldest girl I wanted to have my own traditions put into his and my family traditions we’d carry on from our folks. It took me until last year to finally come up with one to continue every year. I don’t mean traditions from my family or his I mean MY OWN tradition. I am so happy about it too. Last year my oldest daughter (Who was the only one at the time.) and I got out my craft boxes and created an ornament for her dad. I thought it would be great to continue year after year.

This year we created a trinket box. She painted it and picked out the phrase Dad Your Awesome for me to paint onto it. We had a great time making it and I think my husband will love it just like he loved the ornament last year. Good thing he doesn’t read this BLOG. (LOL)

Today is a good day. My daughter will be home from school soon so I am going to go. I also have to do some preparations for my chicken wild rice soup. Everyone have a very wonderful holiday!

Until next time…
World peace isn’t likely but I will continue to pray for it.


The Night Demon

It’s murky and putrid
The soul it wants possession of
Such loathing contained
Barricading itself behind fake smiles
And graceful hellos
The demon is within
It waits for the low to begin
It shreds hope
It swallows it whole

The sadness lurks in the mirror
Where she stands to set it free
She’s been looking for some kind of relief
Her devotion and her faith
Only drag the days by slowly
With no resolve coming soon
Night falls with a gleam of a full moon
The bottle holds deliverance
A freedom she holds in her hand
A peaceful comatose trance

Glancing out the window
As the moonlight dances through the trees
She just wants the memories erased
She has only wants to be free


The Shock Doctrine

The shock doctrine- a short film everyone should see!

Shock Doctrine On Countdown With Naomi Klein


I try to hide what was done
I try to forgive what I’ve become
Everybody knows though
Everybody knows though

Secluded I feel safe
No one looking at my face
Do they all know?
Do they all know?

I barely get by without pouring tears
Sketched upon my face the fears
Barely getting by
Barely getting by

The horrid dreams at night
Waking me in fright
Losing my mind
Losing my mind

Hoping no one finds what’s beneath
Paranoia every time I breathe
They know
Everybody knows

I’m used
I’ve been abused
No one can know
No one can know

The Premonition Dream- I should have been in tune!

I was just looking at my post history for this month and noticed something strange. I had put a post up on December 6th and that was the evening that Lucy was killed by the drunk driver. The post I put up that day was a dream that I wondered if it was some sort of premonition. As I read the posting over I wonder if that dream was really a warning that something bad was going to happen back home? One thing in the dream that sticks out as I read it over is the part about the phone message I had received.

Of those three missed calls one was a voice mail. I listened to the voice mail and it was an old family friend, Mary. She left this message, “Hi Rachel it is Mary I just wanted to talk…something is going on here.” There was a scary pause in her message.

Maybe I should have called back home that day to tell them I felt like something was going to happen somewhere. I felt like that the whole day. I didn’t get word about Lucy and the tragic accident until Sunday evening when my aunt called and of course I wrote about it on Monday.

That dream was a warning. I know without a doubt now. I knew that morning but didn’t act on it. I’ve had them before.

I had a dream once about a little boy getting hit by a car. That dream came true and I tried frantickly to try to figure out who the boy was in the dream. I even went through my cousins pictures thinking it might have been a kid of one of their friends. I never found a picture to match the boy in my dream but the news the next day reported that a boy was killed by a car not far from where I lived. The boy killed was the boy I dreamt about. I was only a teenager then.

I don’t have these “premonition” dreams often but I know them when I have them. The urgency I feel when I wake up is what tells me they are some sort of warning. I wish I would have been more in tune with this last one I had that Wednesday night. I am not sure what I could have done…maybe something.