A special song that really hit home & Death

A special song that really hit home

I remember writing a poem a while back saying sorry for things I’ve done. AKON a very talented vocalist came out with a song recently titled “I’m Sorry put the Blame On Me” and boy did that really tug at my heart. Even now listening to it and writing this it has my eyes watery. It makes me think about all the wrong things I have done in my lifetime so far. Some of it I won’t discuss here because quite frankly it is very shameful and it isn’t anything I am proud in the least…I carry a lot of guilt around about some of the things I won’t discuss here. With guilt I also carry shame.

Just the fact that he is big enough to say sorry in this song just makes me feel like I did when I wrote the poem saying sorry myself. The interesting thing is that the song would not have even mattered to me if I didn’t have things I was sorry for…

It would have just been another AKON song with a great beat and a great voice.

I have a lot of things I’ve done that has caused pain to a lot of people that have been in my life. Put the blame on me….Put the blame on me and I truly am sorry.

There is something else I want to get out too while I am here. (Before I go onto writing another chapter to my memoir, a poem or short story that is.) I have been thinking a lot about my dad again lately. Yeah I know, nothing new right? Well, thinking about him being gone has made me not keep letters written to my children and husband. I was thinking about what if my dad would have left something like that for me, and my brothers? What would that mean to me or to them? I thought about this for a while and I have come to this conclusion…

Although having something like that from my dad would be special and cherished it would be bad in ways others might not understand. Those who have let go of loved ones will understand what I mean here. It would have been a piece of paper that I would have clung to for the rest of my life. I probably would have hung it in a frame and post it on a wall as a tribute but I would have dwelled over that paper. I would have read it everyday probably five times or more. I would have dwelled over that paper so much I would have lost valuable time remember the things that should be remembered. Things like advice he had given me while I grew up.

Don’t get me wrong. I would give ANYTHING to have ONE more thing from my dad. I would give ANYTHING for just one more moment with him living. I miss him very badly. I just don’t want my children or husband to have something that might prevent them from letting go of me when I’m gone. I don’t want them to have something that they will obsess over. It will be bad enough for them in their thoughts alone why would I want to add a letter that would most likely make things harder.

Would it make it harder? A big part of me says yes. A small part says that it would show them how special they were in my life…would they know that without a letter left behind? Well isn’t that the point of life? It isn’t what you take when it is time to go. It is what you leave behind.

I know what my purpose is. I have known for sometime now what that is. My purpose is the raise my children to be the best adults possible. To teach them how to be good hearted. Teach them how to give, love, to share and to know how to let go in the best possible way. All of that in hopes they turn out to be the best adults possible. My purpose also includes being a wonderful supportive wife to my husband who I love very deeply. My purpose also involves me. I am to live life to the fullest and put goodness out into the world. That is it. That is my purpose.

It isn’t to be a best selling author. It isn’t to become rich. It isn’t to become some famous singer. My purpose is to be Rachel. Being Rachel means making mistakes but learning from them. It means to try my best for my family. Do my best in raising my children and remember they learn from mistakes too.

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Wednesday, October 24, 2007, in Death, family, journal, Journal Pages, life. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. we have the same feeling. sometimes, i wish that i would have my mom and papa with me. i’ve been obssessed with so many what ifs.

    what if there were alive ? what if they have seen my daughter..

    but i realized it wont help me. i just need to let go you know. there are just things that you cannot bring back no matter how bad you wanted to.

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