Monthly Archives: September 2007

The Demons Linger

A solemn emptiness fills this room
As I sit alone with this mug
The demons are close upon me
I feel them creeping around
My mind wants to wander to them

To embrace the pain they have to give
To live in those memories
That I was forced to live
I can hear your voice within them
My name rolling off your tongue

You are only one of the many
That lingers here in this room
The melancholy you all insist to bring
Where is this Holy Ghost I hear so much about?
Where is it when I need it most?

There is someone inside me
She says embrace the agony
Take what you ought to have
Don’t ignore them that lie in wait
Feel the misery inside that dissipates

The demons they linger
And they always persist
They’ll never leave
Even if I insist
What is left for me to do?
After prayer has left me alone…

Unsettled Mind

It lurks near
In a small corridor in my mind
It takes me far back
Far back in time
It is boding evil
One secret
A secret I hold
In the bottomless pit of my soul
The carnage of innocence
A land of the damned
It still lacks a headstone
No warmth for the cold
Many stories to be told…

We Affect Everything Around Us, even after Death!

What we do while living carries on through life even when we’re gone.

Do you often think of loved ones you’ve let go? Think about the time spent with them when they were here on earth? I know I do everyday. It is strange what the mind can hold. You can remember one sentence someone spoke to you. The memories that linger on, what I want to discuss now.

Will he remember the picture I broke in anger when we first got together?

Will she remember me yelling hurry up you’ll be late? The day I made her cry.

Will she remember the games her older sister and I played with her in the backyard that made her laugh until she cried?

Will he remember the time I called him an asshole the day he decided to leave for a while?

The answers to these questions are yes. They will remember most of that indeed. These are things that can’t be undone. They have played out and have been stored away in the minds of my loved ones. Sad some of the memories they will have yes. I wish I could take some of them back and redo them. I would try to be more patient in the moment. I would try to be more kind in the moment. Good intentions are not that good are they?

Yeah I know some of you will say well we are only human. To you I say that is absolutely correct. We are bound to act out in ways we are not proud of indeed. Is there a way to change that though? Is there a way to act better in all situations? I believe there is. I have not found it yet. I’m still looking. Have you found it? Are you still looking for that? I bet million of Americans regret many things they’ve said and done in what life they’ve lived thus far. I wonder what that regret does to our health? I wonder what those events do to those who carry that memory on?

I wonder how one could focus on making positive memories instead of the regretful ones that will linger on after we’ve passed? Is it possible? I mean we are only human….

Have you ever thought about how you would like to be remembered in the event of your death? I am sure many have. I know I have. I am thinking about it right now as I type this out actually. I mean do you want to be remembered for the embarrassing things you might have done? The cruel things you might have done? The good things you’ve done? Unfortunately all those things will remember you. All of that will wrap together. We only hope the good out weighs the bad obviously. Is there a way to forget the bad or prevent the bad from happening?

I personally am trying to better myself. It is tough. I am trying to be more patient with my daughter. I am trying to be more polite with my husband when my pain levels are high. I am trying to create lasting memories that will make them remember the good parts of me. I would hope that the bad events would be drowning out by the good ones.

I don’t want my daughter crying in her bed one-night missing me after I’m gone. I am sure she will have those times, but during that time I don’t want the memory of her mother yelling impatiently at her bring more hurt. I don’t want her to have that memory doubt my love for her.

I don’t want my husband to be sitting in the chair one evening missing me. I know that he will, but I don’t want him to have a memory creep up that will make him doubt my love for him while I lived. I don’t want him to think of the time I told him he was an asshole in a time he misses me. I want him to remember the better days.

I know, I know, I am dreaming. Those bad events are going to be remembered regardless of what I want. I know for fact because it works that way with my own memories of my dad. Now I don’t have many bad memories of my dad but the few I do have do come to mind when I think of him. One of those memories is very hurtful too. If he knew I carried that memory around I would bet he wished he could erase it.

What we do here on earth carries on even when we are gone. It affects the people around us and helps shape them in some way. Whether it is to influence a decision they have to make. Advice they want to pass on. An action they might repeat that we’ve shown them. We influence everything around us, even when we’re gone.

Things I try to remember now are 1. Things carry on even when you’ll be dead. And 2. Life is short; try to make better lasting memories. As I try to better myself those two things help me along my way I hope. What would I change about myself to make me a better person? That is a list you’ll see in the near future.

Any tips on how someone can avoid those bad memories please feel free to post a comment. The web world would love to hear your ideas!

Until next time…

Funeral Arrangments and Last Wishes

My death has been weighing very heavy on my mind lately. Thoughts about what would my kid’s do, my husband, and the rest of my family back home? I’ve been thinking about what I would want done as far as a funeral and how I could make some decisions easier for my husband and children in the event of my death. I know some of you are thinking right now, “Man this lady is crazy morbid.” Well the fact of the matter is everything dies. I look to the future with everything. That is an Aquarian trait I possess.

I know that when my time comes my family will be hurting badly and decisions will not be easy to make for them so I think to myself why not set up a lot of that in writing for them now. I mean it makes perfect sense to me to do that now because no one knows when he or she is going to die.

As most of my readers know I think about my dad often. I replay his funeral in my head many times. I remember someone asking me about songs to be played during the funeral. I remember how that small decision was so hard to make for me at the time due to the fact my heart was aching so badly. Ultimately I made the decision but it was tougher then anyone could imagine. I chose Go Rest High, (Vince Gill song) and Precious Memories. I can’t even imagine what it was like to decide on clothing, or bible verses to reference. I am very thankful I didn’t have to decide those but I know one day I may have to be the one to do so. I also know my husband or kids might have to decide those things too.

I don’t have all the details planned out but I do have a few things written out. I hope before my time comes to go home to heaven I have finished the rest of it. I want to try to help the decisions be easier for my husband and my children when that time comes. That is, if I am the one to go first. Again, you never know. It is better to be safe then sorry I’ve always heard and I agree.

It took me years to get my husband to finally take the idea of life insurance seriously. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to discuss death. I think with my back situation, and other health problems I have finally made him realize the importance of not only life insurance, but also plans dealing with burial. He hasn’t shared with me fully what his wishes are and I hope he does soon. I have told him a few things I want done and have no worries about them being carried out. The rest, well it will be in writing.

These are some things I want done in the event of my death:

My funeral is to be held in my hometown. My burial place is to be decided by my husband (if he is living), or children.

My wedding gown is to be given to my oldest daughter and handed down to her sister.

I will be buried with my wedding ring on. I want pictures of my kids and husband buried with me.

My life insurance is to be handled by my husband. Used to pay funeral costs, burial cost, plot cost, and raising our children if they are still at home in the event of my death.

My pall bearers- who I would like to be would be my four brothers, my cousin Larry, Denver, and my nephew Brian.

My brother Jeff, I hope, would give my eulogy. Or be the one to speak to the family and friends.

The music I want played at the time will be:

1. Tracy Chapman “I’m Ready”
2. Conway Twitty “The Rose”
3. Beatles “Let it Be”
4. OzzY “Close My Eyes Forever”
5. Rob Thomas “Little Wonders”
6. Semisonic “Secret Smile”
7. Statler Brothers “I’ll go to my Grave Loving You”
8. TooL “Comfortably Numb cover”
9. Statler Brothers “In the Sweet Bye and Bye” (play at the end of the funeral)

I have chosen nine because I have no idea how many songs would be needed. I would like to have the music playing continuously during the showing. I have specifically picked out a song to be played as people leave the funeral.

Some people are going to think I am morbid and crazy for putting out all these details. That is fine by me because the important thing is to make things as easy as I can for my beloved husband and my wonderful daughters. God knows they will need all the help they can get if I die before them.

I also have letters written for each of my daughters. I have one written for my husband too. They are kept in our small lock box and are to be read after they bury me. That is of course if I die first. I wrote the letters in hopes that it would lift some of the heaviness that will be on their hearts at that time. Perhaps give them some sort of relief in the moment. I know they’ll be wishing to hear me one more time, to hug me, etc. I know because I wish that for my dad, my aunt Eve and other loved ones lost all the time. Maybe the letter they read from me will give them that one more moment I know they’ll be wishing for.

Death is the hardest thing to deal with. It is the hardest thing to try to live past. People say oh it gets easier. Well I’ll be the first to say that is a lie. It doesn’t get easier. You adapt to having a vacant spot in your heart and you live off memories when they are gone. That is the way it has been for me with the loved ones I’ve let go. The good memories are what get me by day by day, especially when thinking about my dad and aunts that have passed.

That brings me to the topic of what we do while we are living. Our deeds count more then anyone could know to those we will leave behind in this world. That’ll be the next posting I do later today. I also plan to share with you the letters I’ve written for my husband and my children.

Anger

I have the best intentions
Where you are concerned
I only want to love you
And take away your hurt
I’m haunted by an evil
That preys on my mind
It eats at my soul
Bleeds from my heart
So sometimes I say things
They aren’t nice at all
The days end I feel such guilt
It weighs so heavy on my soul
I speak through anger
When love and patience should prevail