An E-mail brings me to talk about my cursed hometown…
It has been a while since I last written. I have been very busy with the baby and moving! Yes moving! We finally got our house! I am very happy about that.
I finally got caught up with my E-mail tonight and noticed my Aunt had written to me a few days ago. I was so happy to have gotten her letter. She is my dad’s sister and I love her deeply. As I read her letter I remembered how my dad and her would argue with one another…brothers and sisters will be brothers and sisters. (Of course they weren’t serious arguments most of the time) Yes, I have a lot of great memories of her and dad.
Although her letter struck me with happiness it also brought about a terrible sadness. She had said in the letter that she was proud of my writings but she cried when she read the one I had written to my dad previously. The sadness came for many reasons of course. One reason, because I am far away from my hometown and family there. Two, I am far away from my hometown but feel no urge to go back. And, finally I was sad because I know how much dad meant to her as well and I felt sort of bad that reading my letter to him made her sad. I am happy she is proud of who I have become and I am so pleased she enjoys what I write. I hope she visits this page more often to read the other stuff I have.
That aside I want to discuss the reasons for the sadness.
ONE: I am originally from Mansfield, Ohio. I live in the twin cities in Minnesota now. That is pretty far away. I miss a lot from there at times. I miss some of my family. I miss my nieces and nephews a great deal too. I miss talking with family members about dad even though it hurts like hell. I miss stories about dad through them. I miss the house and being able to remember fond memories. I miss aspects of the town that bring joy to me too.
TWO: I hate Mansfield for many more reasons. The loneliness there with my dad gone is just the tip of the iceberg for hating that place. I made a lot of mistakes in that town and when I go there they haunt me. The worst mistake being my first marriage to that psycho bastard! I am disappointed with many things there concerning my younger brother and going there just depresses me. I am VERY much against what my mom is doing right now and it just disgusts me to no end so going there would only bring out the angry side of me. I do wish to avoid that side at all costs now not only for my health, but for the well being of my daughters.
THREE: I can see in people’s faces how much it hurts them that my dad is gone. The expression they show breaks my heart even more then it is already broken. The house really holds emptiness now…and the stories hold such despondency, how ever nice it is to hear them. It tears me apart at the same time. I know my Aunt’s who were my dad’s sisters are shattered at the loss of him…and to see this and know this only makes me grieve harder. I wish I could heal all of our hearts.
So I’ve covered the reasons…I have to get this out.
I am torn over that God forsaken place. I have been since my dad had passed. Unfortunately as I get older I feel less of an urge to go there. It isn’t that I don’t miss some of my family. I certainly do! I miss them terribly. I just don’t think I am strong enough to continue to endure what it is that place holds for me when I go. It is all too much for me now and quite frankly I sometimes wonder if I’d make it through the visit not cracking up. Cracking up, of course meaning, going out of my mind. There is so much that Mansfield holds about me that I have not even begun to touch on here in my journal. I am sure someday I will but for now I just can’t. I lack the bravery to go that far. As I have stated before I am a book of secrets and some of those secrets are the darkest you could ever imagine….I am not proud of those secrets in any way, but they do exist. They exist in Mansfield…
When I go to Mansfield those secrets haunt me. They torture me! My eating disorder is there. That is only one secret and not even close to how bad the others are…I hope you are understanding my stance on that place.
It is a toxin to me, a toxin even though I have wonderful family there. Some of my family is also a toxin to me. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. I will have to write about the time I left that toxic city and explain some of the reasons why someday soon…just so you people understand.
I hope my family there understands why I don’t rush there. I hope they understand why I don’t want to really come there. Sadly some of them will hold it against me for not coming…and to them all I can say is I am sorry you don’t understand yet; someday you will I hope.
It is too hard to keep pretending. I can’t just keep pretending that I think so highly of my own mom (it breaks my heart and has sent me into therapy) when unfortunately I don’t feel that way in the least. It isn’t just her though. I can’t keep going there pretending that my once strong family isn’t torn apart since my dads death.
There is so much I want to just spill out right now but I just can’t. Just know that Mansfield is cursed in my eyes and that place, to me, is like hell is to the Christians.
Until next time….