My heroine and the battle for my mind…
Life has taken its toll on me. I have accepted that I am not the Rachel I once was physically. Even mentally I am not the same. I think I am weaker. I am definitely weaker in many ways mentally. If you were to see me walking down the street you could look upon me and see that I was broken inside with just a simple glance. This is how I perceive myself anyway.
Sometimes it is real hard for me to be this new Rachel. It is hard to be someone when you are haunted by something inside yourself. I reflect on my life now and I have been so many different Rachel’s throughout my life. Most of them were to help me hide the fact that I was just totally fucked up. I worked hard to hide the fact that I was an abused girl. I survived back then. I was so good at hiding things from the on looking world. I was so angry that I could have flooded the world with rage.
I had to hide that rage the best way that I could. I put up another persona for my teachers, my classmates, extended family, and my friends. I wrote all my bottled up rage onto paper. The rage I kept would become poetry, short stories, and novels. That is how my writing started.
The fury inside belonged to a little girl and she would become known as Verstallis. She was the queen of my rage, fury and she was the only one who was able to hand out justice to those who had broken me. I used her to express every piece of revenge I imagined. I created worlds of chaos and she was my heroine. She became everything I could not be as that little girl in my hometown.
The words poured from me like water coming over the fall. My creations became my obsession and my only escape. My dad nurtured my skill of writing. He encouraged me in every way he could. I sit here as a grown woman reflecting. I see how it must have broken his heart to have had read all the pages I shared with him. For him as a parent to have read the rage on the pages and there was nothing he could do to take that rage away. He did the best he could do to protect me but I imagine he felt like a failure himself now that I look back.
Little Rachel from my hometown still haunts me to this day. Memory bubbles visit me everyday. My mind is never at rest. I constantly see the old tan station wagon. I constantly hear the monster calling for me from the other room. I can still close my eyes and see the room exactly the way it was that day. My eyes still fill with tears, as I see in my minds eye, my brother getting thrown out. The day our family would never be the same. The day things started falling apart slowly. I still hear the screaming. It plays over and over in my mind. I don’t know how to stop it. I have tried for years to stop it.
Little girl why won’t you go away? Why do you have to linger here with me still today?
A tremendous sadness fills every aspect of your life. It is so hard to enjoy anything anymore. Things are completely out of control inside of you. Your mind is racing and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Most of the time you feel numb simply because you have created a defense mechanism for yourself to help you cope with the memories. At times you cry so hard and you try to stop yourself. When you start to cry though you can’t stop. The more you try to stop the tears the more they gush from you. They stream down your cheeks like a river raging. The memories are flashing through your mind as you quickly try to sort through all the regrets, and all the lost dreams you’ve had. The one thing that destroyed what you could have been in your life haunts you still to this day. The fury now overpowers you, and you start to feel your heart racing from it. You want answers! You want someone to pay! You need someone to take this pain away! Why did this happen to you? What did you do to deserve this? What could have you done to prevent this? What if you done this or that? In your mind over and over, day after day, year after year, this cycle never ends. There is no one that can take the pain away. You realize the fight for your mind is your own. Falling apart over and over again.
You see this is exactly what it feels like to fall apart. I know the feeling very well. I am sure some of you do too.
This falling apart over and over has hurt my relationships all through my life. It has prevented close friendships, and family relationships throughout my entire life. It takes a toll on my marriage too. I constantly worry what the future holds if I finally lose one of the battles inside my head.
Verstallis saved my life in more ways then one. She will remain my queen and heroine.