I know I normally only write to you once a year, but I feel the need to write to you now. It might not come out as poetry like all the others before this one. I hope you don’t mind. Kylie is here now and she is almost a month old. She has dark hair like most of our family. She is absolutely beautiful dad and I wish you could see her. I wish you could hold her. I wish you could whisker kiss her like you did the other grandchildren you had a chance to see before you were taken away. I wish I could have been the one to say to you, “Dad stop you are going to cause a rash.”
My girls are missing out on such a good man with you gone dad…even after eleven years dad it still seems too much to take for me. I never knew you could miss someone so much. I now understand how you felt with your mom dad.
Chris is getting married in August. His boy is growing fast. He’s two now and I guess he is already starting to talk and all that good stuff. He looks just like his dad. Boy have things changed a lot dad since you’ve been gone. GOD I MISS YOU SO BAD. I catch glimpses of you in my oldest and it is strange that even two generations down, there you are. I see a lot more of you in Kylie though even now.
In nine months it will be twelve years since you’ve been gone and it will still feel like yesterday I imagine. Jeff and I talked about you the other night briefly. It has to be briefly because quite frankly it hurts to damn bad to talk longer about you for both of us. We talked about how it (burying you) will probably feel like yesterday for us for the rest of our lives. There is no doubt it will dad.
I no longer want to run back home dad like before. I want to stay far away from that place. The list of reasons is long. It is so lonely there with you gone and mom is doing something I am so much against. You would be too. I enter that home and all I see is you dad and then I see the things there that you’d be disgusted with. It makes me so sad and angry at the same time. Hell, sometimes dad it is hard to look at my own brothers because I see so much of you in their faces. If we could only turn back time so that we’d have a few more moments with you…
I have often thought about what would I do with a few more moments if I were given them. The first thing I would do is to tell you sorry for all the things that I’ve done that have left you disappointed in me. I would listen to you talking to me instead of talking in my own mind not paying attention to you because I thought I was more important than what you had to say. I would cherish the time because now I know that one day it is over dad. God how I understand that now!
Visit Chris on his wedding day dad. If just in a breeze please be there for him. He misses you so badly too. Our family has been so broken since you’ve been gone. Perhaps on his day, like on my day, we’ll be patched up briefly.
I love you dad and miss you very much. I hope God is taking care of you there. You are always in my thoughts and that will NEVER change.
Love your little girl,