Monthly Archives: June 2007
Life has taken its toll on me. I have accepted that I am not the Rachel I once was physically. Even mentally I am not the same. I think I am weaker. I am definitely weaker in many ways mentally. If you were to see me walking down the street you could look upon me and see that I was broken inside with just a simple glance. This is how I perceive myself anyway.
Sometimes it is real hard for me to be this new Rachel. It is hard to be someone when you are haunted by something inside yourself. I reflect on my life now and I have been so many different Rachel’s throughout my life. Most of them were to help me hide the fact that I was just totally fucked up. I worked hard to hide the fact that I was an abused girl. I survived back then. I was so good at hiding things from the on looking world. I was so angry that I could have flooded the world with rage.
I had to hide that rage the best way that I could. I put up another persona for my teachers, my classmates, extended family, and my friends. I wrote all my bottled up rage onto paper. The rage I kept would become poetry, short stories, and novels. That is how my writing started.
The fury inside belonged to a little girl and she would become known as Verstallis. She was the queen of my rage, fury and she was the only one who was able to hand out justice to those who had broken me. I used her to express every piece of revenge I imagined. I created worlds of chaos and she was my heroine. She became everything I could not be as that little girl in my hometown.
The words poured from me like water coming over the fall. My creations became my obsession and my only escape. My dad nurtured my skill of writing. He encouraged me in every way he could. I sit here as a grown woman reflecting. I see how it must have broken his heart to have had read all the pages I shared with him. For him as a parent to have read the rage on the pages and there was nothing he could do to take that rage away. He did the best he could do to protect me but I imagine he felt like a failure himself now that I look back.
Little Rachel from my hometown still haunts me to this day. Memory bubbles visit me everyday. My mind is never at rest. I constantly see the old tan station wagon. I constantly hear the monster calling for me from the other room. I can still close my eyes and see the room exactly the way it was that day. My eyes still fill with tears, as I see in my minds eye, my brother getting thrown out. The day our family would never be the same. The day things started falling apart slowly. I still hear the screaming. It plays over and over in my mind. I don’t know how to stop it. I have tried for years to stop it.
Little girl why won’t you go away? Why do you have to linger here with me still today?
A tremendous sadness fills every aspect of your life. It is so hard to enjoy anything anymore. Things are completely out of control inside of you. Your mind is racing and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Most of the time you feel numb simply because you have created a defense mechanism for yourself to help you cope with the memories. At times you cry so hard and you try to stop yourself. When you start to cry though you can’t stop. The more you try to stop the tears the more they gush from you. They stream down your cheeks like a river raging. The memories are flashing through your mind as you quickly try to sort through all the regrets, and all the lost dreams you’ve had. The one thing that destroyed what you could have been in your life haunts you still to this day. The fury now overpowers you, and you start to feel your heart racing from it. You want answers! You want someone to pay! You need someone to take this pain away! Why did this happen to you? What did you do to deserve this? What could have you done to prevent this? What if you done this or that? In your mind over and over, day after day, year after year, this cycle never ends. There is no one that can take the pain away. You realize the fight for your mind is your own. Falling apart over and over again.
You see this is exactly what it feels like to fall apart. I know the feeling very well. I am sure some of you do too.
This falling apart over and over has hurt my relationships all through my life. It has prevented close friendships, and family relationships throughout my entire life. It takes a toll on my marriage too. I constantly worry what the future holds if I finally lose one of the battles inside my head.
Verstallis saved my life in more ways then one. She will remain my queen and heroine.
When you are all out of love
What is left to do?
When another has left you broken
What life is left to pursue?
When the scars are so thick
What more is left to hide?
When resentment has replaced contentment
What dreams are to be tried?
When love flourishes no more
This life you use to adore
I know I normally only write to you once a year, but I feel the need to write to you now. It might not come out as poetry like all the others before this one. I hope you don’t mind. Kylie is here now and she is almost a month old. She has dark hair like most of our family. She is absolutely beautiful dad and I wish you could see her. I wish you could hold her. I wish you could whisker kiss her like you did the other grandchildren you had a chance to see before you were taken away. I wish I could have been the one to say to you, “Dad stop you are going to cause a rash.”
My girls are missing out on such a good man with you gone dad…even after eleven years dad it still seems too much to take for me. I never knew you could miss someone so much. I now understand how you felt with your mom dad.
Chris is getting married in August. His boy is growing fast. He’s two now and I guess he is already starting to talk and all that good stuff. He looks just like his dad. Boy have things changed a lot dad since you’ve been gone. GOD I MISS YOU SO BAD. I catch glimpses of you in my oldest and it is strange that even two generations down, there you are. I see a lot more of you in Kylie though even now.
In nine months it will be twelve years since you’ve been gone and it will still feel like yesterday I imagine. Jeff and I talked about you the other night briefly. It has to be briefly because quite frankly it hurts to damn bad to talk longer about you for both of us. We talked about how it (burying you) will probably feel like yesterday for us for the rest of our lives. There is no doubt it will dad.
I no longer want to run back home dad like before. I want to stay far away from that place. The list of reasons is long. It is so lonely there with you gone and mom is doing something I am so much against. You would be too. I enter that home and all I see is you dad and then I see the things there that you’d be disgusted with. It makes me so sad and angry at the same time. Hell, sometimes dad it is hard to look at my own brothers because I see so much of you in their faces. If we could only turn back time so that we’d have a few more moments with you…
I have often thought about what would I do with a few more moments if I were given them. The first thing I would do is to tell you sorry for all the things that I’ve done that have left you disappointed in me. I would listen to you talking to me instead of talking in my own mind not paying attention to you because I thought I was more important than what you had to say. I would cherish the time because now I know that one day it is over dad. God how I understand that now!
Visit Chris on his wedding day dad. If just in a breeze please be there for him. He misses you so badly too. Our family has been so broken since you’ve been gone. Perhaps on his day, like on my day, we’ll be patched up briefly.
I love you dad and miss you very much. I hope God is taking care of you there. You are always in my thoughts and that will NEVER change.
Love your little girl,