Melancholy easier to accept given the life I’ve lived

Again I was reading DyingMansJournal and it inspired me to start thinking about a few things. He had put something in his post that really started a revelation in myself. He had posted, “Celebrate what you have, instead of mourning what you do not have, or will loose.” It really hit home with me and it has inspired this below…

I was forever changed when I was a young child. The laughter was somehow hindered in me long ago. I find myself even today not laughing at things I should be laughing at. Joy is harder for me to feel over the sadness. Thinking about it now I realize it has been that way most of my childhood years and now in adulthood. I know the reasons why but I thought I got past them enough to be better. I’m not better though now that I look over past journal entries, poems, and stories I’ve written. Does that mean something is wrong with me?

Well, yes it does. It means I am depressed and have been most of my life. I know it is depression now in adulthood because I see a wonderful therapist for it. Growing up it just seemed normal for me. Boy was it so NOT normal. I’ve kept almost everything I’ve ever written in my lifetime thus far and as I read one poem I wrote as a young girl I see red flags for that girl.

Let me share something here with you so you understand what I mean.

“Hell to Hell”

Numb with pain
Covered in blood
It is a shame,
No one hears my weeps of sorrow,
Can I last another tomorrow?
I search to find warmth,
All I find are locked doors
And darkness
Cries in the darkness,
It’s all I hear
My voice is one,
Should I fear?

I’ve killed!
Inhabiting my new world
All hate, no love
It’s not bad but worse then above
If you only saw
The troubled souls
As they burn in flames
So high, so hot
Like nothing ever seen before
Everyone is full of horror
As no windows or doors are shown
Imprisoned in a floral gallery of hate

For this is hell
If I would have known before
Of the sight I see before me now
I would have never came!

I wrote that in 1992. I was obsessed with death, darkness, pain and sadness. It was mostly what I knew. I had some great memories of joy with my dad but the bad stuff just seemed to overpower that. I see that it did now reading over that stuff written all those years ago.

It seems not much has changed for me even today. As I look over recent years worth of writing I’ve done, not much has changed at all. This cycle I am on; should it change? I would say absolutely. What will this same road traveled do to my daughter and this new baby? Has it affected my daughter already?

I am feeling pretty panicked over this. I know I’ve been fucked up for a LONG time and have much more still to work on…but am I fucking up my daughter’s mental stability? I probably am in a small way. She is probably going to be more prone to sadness over joy if this continues I think!!

I must break this cycle somehow! WOW what a revelation and a reality check I’ve just had in myself. I must find a way to celebrate more things and stop mourning so many!!!

Revelation

Tomorrow’s post will be the beginning of that hopefully! I will definitely need help in breaking this cycle I am on.

Until next time…

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Friday, March 9, 2007, in Journal Pages, Poetry. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I think you are now on the right way, having realized that…I have no idea what you have been through in your time, however, taking care of yourself first will take care of your daughter…looking forward to hearing about your new beginning!

  2. well, that was…
    so, I’ve had some really crappy times so far, and I still get hung up on them, and my kid definitely picks up on things when I’m not very well… I’ve been trying not to show when he’s around, and it’s working so far. I can’t make it go away, but i try to not let him see, and I hope I’ll be able to explain it to him when the time comes. For now, I try to give him all the memories I don’t have, and be a good parent, compared to the parenting I was exposed to. I try not to let my relationship with my family interfere in his relationship with them, since I was used as rope in countless games of tug-of war? is that the name of the game? well, I try not to let this affect him, since i know from experience it is not a nice position to be in. and the idea of ending things just doesn’t occur to me anymore, since everytime it happened lately, i thought of him, and the idea just seemed stupid. why would i intentionally miss his life? his growth, his discovery of the world? it’s such a joy, watching him, being with him, receiving his hugs. it doesn’t erase the memories. but makes new ones, and those are pretty good.
    okay, got carried away there, but…
    well, going now…
    see you later

  3. I can only wish you well, I have no idea of the event in your past. It is easy to say something like the past is just a memory, which is true. But so easy to say, so hard to actually put into practice.
    You seem to be taking big steps towards your recovery and I congratulate you.
    If you every need to chat via email, just leave me a message on my blog and I will get in touch with you
    Bill – Dying Man’s Daily Journal

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