Melancholy easier to accept given the life I’ve lived
Again I was reading DyingMansJournal and it inspired me to start thinking about a few things. He had put something in his post that really started a revelation in myself. He had posted, “Celebrate what you have, instead of mourning what you do not have, or will loose.” It really hit home with me and it has inspired this below…
I was forever changed when I was a young child. The laughter was somehow hindered in me long ago. I find myself even today not laughing at things I should be laughing at. Joy is harder for me to feel over the sadness. Thinking about it now I realize it has been that way most of my childhood years and now in adulthood. I know the reasons why but I thought I got past them enough to be better. I’m not better though now that I look over past journal entries, poems, and stories I’ve written. Does that mean something is wrong with me?
Well, yes it does. It means I am depressed and have been most of my life. I know it is depression now in adulthood because I see a wonderful therapist for it. Growing up it just seemed normal for me. Boy was it so NOT normal. I’ve kept almost everything I’ve ever written in my lifetime thus far and as I read one poem I wrote as a young girl I see red flags for that girl.
Let me share something here with you so you understand what I mean.
“Hell to Hell”
Numb with pain
Covered in blood
It is a shame,
No one hears my weeps of sorrow,
Can I last another tomorrow?
I search to find warmth,
All I find are locked doors
Cries in the darkness,
It’s all I hear
My voice is one,
Should I fear?
Inhabiting my new world
All hate, no love
It’s not bad but worse then above
If you only saw
The troubled souls
As they burn in flames
So high, so hot
Like nothing ever seen before
Everyone is full of horror
As no windows or doors are shown
Imprisoned in a floral gallery of hate
For this is hell
If I would have known before
Of the sight I see before me now
I would have never came!
I wrote that in 1992. I was obsessed with death, darkness, pain and sadness. It was mostly what I knew. I had some great memories of joy with my dad but the bad stuff just seemed to overpower that. I see that it did now reading over that stuff written all those years ago.
It seems not much has changed for me even today. As I look over recent years worth of writing I’ve done, not much has changed at all. This cycle I am on; should it change? I would say absolutely. What will this same road traveled do to my daughter and this new baby? Has it affected my daughter already?
I am feeling pretty panicked over this. I know I’ve been fucked up for a LONG time and have much more still to work on…but am I fucking up my daughter’s mental stability? I probably am in a small way. She is probably going to be more prone to sadness over joy if this continues I think!!
I must break this cycle somehow! WOW what a revelation and a reality check I’ve just had in myself. I must find a way to celebrate more things and stop mourning so many!!!
Tomorrow’s post will be the beginning of that hopefully! I will definitely need help in breaking this cycle I am on.
Until next time…