Daily Archives: Friday, March 9, 2007

Melancholy easier to accept given the life I’ve lived

Again I was reading DyingMansJournal and it inspired me to start thinking about a few things. He had put something in his post that really started a revelation in myself. He had posted, “Celebrate what you have, instead of mourning what you do not have, or will loose.” It really hit home with me and it has inspired this below…

I was forever changed when I was a young child. The laughter was somehow hindered in me long ago. I find myself even today not laughing at things I should be laughing at. Joy is harder for me to feel over the sadness. Thinking about it now I realize it has been that way most of my childhood years and now in adulthood. I know the reasons why but I thought I got past them enough to be better. I’m not better though now that I look over past journal entries, poems, and stories I’ve written. Does that mean something is wrong with me?

Well, yes it does. It means I am depressed and have been most of my life. I know it is depression now in adulthood because I see a wonderful therapist for it. Growing up it just seemed normal for me. Boy was it so NOT normal. I’ve kept almost everything I’ve ever written in my lifetime thus far and as I read one poem I wrote as a young girl I see red flags for that girl.

Let me share something here with you so you understand what I mean.

“Hell to Hell”

Numb with pain
Covered in blood
It is a shame,
No one hears my weeps of sorrow,
Can I last another tomorrow?
I search to find warmth,
All I find are locked doors
And darkness
Cries in the darkness,
It’s all I hear
My voice is one,
Should I fear?

I’ve killed!
Inhabiting my new world
All hate, no love
It’s not bad but worse then above
If you only saw
The troubled souls
As they burn in flames
So high, so hot
Like nothing ever seen before
Everyone is full of horror
As no windows or doors are shown
Imprisoned in a floral gallery of hate

For this is hell
If I would have known before
Of the sight I see before me now
I would have never came!

I wrote that in 1992. I was obsessed with death, darkness, pain and sadness. It was mostly what I knew. I had some great memories of joy with my dad but the bad stuff just seemed to overpower that. I see that it did now reading over that stuff written all those years ago.

It seems not much has changed for me even today. As I look over recent years worth of writing I’ve done, not much has changed at all. This cycle I am on; should it change? I would say absolutely. What will this same road traveled do to my daughter and this new baby? Has it affected my daughter already?

I am feeling pretty panicked over this. I know I’ve been fucked up for a LONG time and have much more still to work on…but am I fucking up my daughter’s mental stability? I probably am in a small way. She is probably going to be more prone to sadness over joy if this continues I think!!

I must break this cycle somehow! WOW what a revelation and a reality check I’ve just had in myself. I must find a way to celebrate more things and stop mourning so many!!!

Revelation

Tomorrow’s post will be the beginning of that hopefully! I will definitely need help in breaking this cycle I am on.

Until next time…

My body feels like a MAC truck has struck it!!

Oh my goodness I am sore today! I don’t even know why! My leg muscles hurt, my arm muscles, my neck, and my hips are killing me too! I move just a tad and it is so painful. Not sure what is going on today with all this shit. I should not be coming down with the flu; I took the flu shot this year. I’ll be planting my ass on my couch when my daughter comes home from school that is for sure! LOL

The only thing I can think it being from is yesterday. It was a nice sunny day yesterday so we went out to do some shopping. I would hope the time we were out was not too much for me?? If the soreness isn’t from that then I have no clue why I am hurting so bad.

I joined Live Journal today- I’m known as OrdinaryRachie there. I have joined the Fibromyalgia community and the autoimmune disease community. I plan to join the Lupus community too soon. Live Journal is a nice place and you should check it out. It might be something you’d like to join yourself.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Want to know how I know that already? Well, I’m dying to tell you!

I GET A NEW BED TOMORROW! You know one of those special ones with the foam stuff or whatever. Oh man I can’t wait for it! It will be rather expensive but I have to have it. The tumor in my back and being pregnant is not leaving me much of an option. I have to get back to sleeping!!! So I’m excited that I get the bed finally. I can’t wait to get a full nights sleep again- it has been years since I’ve slept all night. I also am getting one of those special pillows with that foam stuff. That is for my neck. I have longed for sleep for so long I think I forgot what it feels like to get it!

I know if I start sleeping again a lot of my symptoms will improve. I had to reschedule the dermatologist appointment that I had this month. We got hit with a blizzard and I couldn’t make it so now I go on April 4th. That isn’t too far away. I hope they have answers for my hair loss, hives and nose sores. I don’t even know if they work with nose symptoms. Oh well.

I think I will attempt to take a hot shower when my daughter gets home. That might help loosen up my body and help the aching muscles.

I think I am done with this entry- my hands are hurting quite a bit too. Thanks for visiting!

Until next time…

ItHurts

LMFAO- I seen this picture and it was perfect for the way I feel today! Hope no one was offended…oh hell if you were offended- LOOSEN UP SOME FOR CHRIST SAKES!