Some of the hardest things

Everyone has had times throughout his or her life that has been hard to deal with in some way. The level of how hard it is for each person I imagine varies. I think of this today because there is a woman in my neighborhood who I see at the bus stop everyday. She is a very kind lady. She is the grandmother of the child that goes to school with my daughter. This lady is from Africa and she said she plans on going back home in June.

Knowing her this year I have found out her children were born in Africa but she had to leave her home country when her children were small in order to be safe. She said after the war men were coming into her village and killing her people. She brought her children here to the states and raised them well. Her daughters are very successful. I can’t imagine living through something like that. Can you? To have to flee from your country in order to stay alive…when I hear about these things I feel so stupid because my hurt is so much smaller than those out in the WORLD.

She said she was excited to go home again because things are different there in her village now. She said she must go home to be with her sister who is ill. I understand that. I also know she probably misses home. Who wouldn’t? I will miss her actually when she goes. I got a glimpse of someone so different from me and I have learned so many things about Africa on a personal level through this woman. I will pray for her safety when she leaves here to go back home as I pray for all those in need in this world outside my own. I really do wish I could solve the world’s problems.

Last night was very hard for me. I cried so much my eyes were swollen when I awoke this morning. It felt so good to get it all out though and to think back over memories with my dad. The fishing trips, the hikes in Kentucky we’d take. Carter Caves…one of the best memories I have with my dad. The motorcycle rides he would take me on. It felt good to be in that paradigm where I seen his face, heard his voice, and remembered the scent and the touch. Boy do I really miss dad…I just don’t understand sometimes how it can still hurt so much.

So now I think about all the things I’ve faced in my life and some of those things were the toughest for me to survive. Sometimes I wonder how I did live through it. Does that make me strong? I don’t know. I don’t feel strong. I feel very much a weakness that I just hide throughout my days. I mean sometimes I feel someone could crumble me with just a harsh word, or I’d crumble myself with just one hurtful memory. I feel so fragile…vulnerable.

Some of the hardest things I have had to face:

My dad dying in 1996
My first marriage to a lunatic
Sexual abuse through my childhood
Going from being an active person to being disabled
The relationship with my mom- it has made me ill in so many ways
Dealing with my family being broken after my dad died

I wonder what are some of the hardest things you’ve faced in your life? How do you think you’ve survived them? Personally I think I have survived everything I’ve faced because of what my dad taught me. I also believe that my faith in God has helped along the way. I can’t explain to you why I believe in God- it is just there in my soul- I KNOW he is there.

I guess all people are not broken. I guess I am not completely broken. There are just chipped away places where indents are left where a hurtful thing had happened. If I were broken I would have taken my life a long time ago…suicide, yes, Joe comes to mind. He was broken. He wasn’t only chipped up in places…he couldn’t find the glue to keep the rest of himself together. I guess that is why he checked himself out. Does that make him weak? I don’t know…

I can close my eyes and see a picture perfect life inside my mind. Is it really picture perfect though? Does anyone really have that type of life? I don’t think so. I think everyone has moments in the life they live that life just really sucks big time and they feel as if they are also going to go over the edge. It doesn’t matter the amount of family they have around, the money they make, the drugs, or the material items they own. Sometimes life just sucks for everyone. That is what I think personally. It is a way for me to attempt to make sense of life in general.

Gosh I’m rambling on today…forgive me…I can’t help it.

Life is confusing. It is also amazing. So much more out there in other peoples lives I don’t know about but I can imagine some possibilities. Maybe everyone should keep a journal of the life they live…

My mind is so full right now. I think I will go for now and possibly write more later when I can be more focused and do less rambling…did I ramble on? I feel as though I did. Memories, thoughts, questions, comments are just flooding my mind. Perhaps I’ll write some kick ass poetry today because of it. I am such a strange person at times. Thanks for visiting. Feel free to stop back by sometime.

Until next time…

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Thursday, March 8, 2007, in Journal Pages, Short Stories, Suicide. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Awww.. That must have been so difficult.
    So sad to hear all that you had to go through your life. I’m sure much better things await you. Having gone through a bit of struggles myself after my dad died, I understand what you mean when you say “I feel so fragile”.

    Take care…

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