Daily Archives: Thursday, March 8, 2007

Angels- do they exist?

Well, I’ve been inspired by DyingMansJournal to write about Angels. This guy has inspired me quite a bit from the BLOG community. It surprises me actually. Never thought someone in a BLOG community could inspire in such a way.

Angels- do they exist?

I have only had one run in with an angel. Well what I think was an angel. That angel was my dad. Let me share the story with you now.

I lived in Wisconsin at the time. I was with A, who is my husband now but not at that time.

I was late. YES, that kind of late. I could hardly believe it. Many doctors told me that children were not a possibility. Long behold the pregnancy test came back positive. I was terrified, in shock, and not sure how to handle this news. A wasn’t sure either!

I went to the first OB appointment and heard the baby’s heartbeat and seen the first picture. I can’t say I was overly happy. I still thought I was too young. I had been 21, a few months away from being 22. He was in college and we were staying in his parent’s basement still, and we had not been together long enough I felt to have a child.

I don’t believe in abortion now and I didn’t then. It was something I was just going to have to deal with some way.

A couple of weeks passed and we had to tell his folks I was pregnant. It would bring me to eight weeks at that time. We told them. They tried to talk about us getting married and that completely freaked me out. I was married once before at 18 and divorced within a year or so. That marriage was NO GOOD so I was not about to jump into another one!

The cramps came. The spots came. I knew something was wrong. I called to get into the OB and at that time I was almost 9 weeks along. I knew when they did the ultrasound that something terrible was wrong.

The doctor left the room for a moment and I was left in silence. I was all by myself. She returned and explained to me what was going to happen. She had asked if I wanted to take a pill to speed the process of aborting the child. I was in shock again. I wasn’t overly happy about being pregnant but I was terrified of a miscarriage…that is what was going to happen. There was nothing they could do or I could do. The baby was dead.

For those brief weeks I thought God blessed me and that I COULD have children and the doctors had been so wrong. Then suddenly it was yanked right out from under me…even though it wasn’t the happiest time to have gotten pregnant I was so happy to know I could have children.

I told the OB doctor I could not take the pill and I asked if I had a day to think over what I wanted to do. She said that I could come in anytime when I decided what I wanted to do. Well I went to his folks house where we stayed and I stayed downstairs in the basement…I cried so much because I got a taste of something I wanted and now it was gone.

I worried that it was my fault because I wasn’t overly happy about the timing of the pregnancy. I felt so guilty!

That night I awoke to major cramps and the bed was soaked with blood. I don’t remember much about that night really. I remember telling A to call the doctor and the next thing I know I’m in the emergency room.

I remember the blood being everywhere and my OB doctor telling me that she had to do an emergency DNC. She put a mask on me and I counted down from 5 and at 3 I was out.

When I woke up I remember screaming the baby is gone. I looked across the room and I saw my dad standing there with a baby in his arms. The baby was wrapped in a light pink blanket and he was rubbing her head. He looked over at me and he had said to me, “She is going to be taken care of Rachel…you will be OK.” And his image faded. I turned my head towards the entrance of the door.

I yelled for A and when he got by my side I remember telling him that the baby was gone and I just cried. That was really tough for me. I should have listed this as one of the hardest things I had to face in my life.

Anyway, that was the only encounter I’ve had with an angel. I just thought I’d share that with the BLOG community.

Some of the hardest things

Everyone has had times throughout his or her life that has been hard to deal with in some way. The level of how hard it is for each person I imagine varies. I think of this today because there is a woman in my neighborhood who I see at the bus stop everyday. She is a very kind lady. She is the grandmother of the child that goes to school with my daughter. This lady is from Africa and she said she plans on going back home in June.

Knowing her this year I have found out her children were born in Africa but she had to leave her home country when her children were small in order to be safe. She said after the war men were coming into her village and killing her people. She brought her children here to the states and raised them well. Her daughters are very successful. I can’t imagine living through something like that. Can you? To have to flee from your country in order to stay alive…when I hear about these things I feel so stupid because my hurt is so much smaller than those out in the WORLD.

She said she was excited to go home again because things are different there in her village now. She said she must go home to be with her sister who is ill. I understand that. I also know she probably misses home. Who wouldn’t? I will miss her actually when she goes. I got a glimpse of someone so different from me and I have learned so many things about Africa on a personal level through this woman. I will pray for her safety when she leaves here to go back home as I pray for all those in need in this world outside my own. I really do wish I could solve the world’s problems.

Last night was very hard for me. I cried so much my eyes were swollen when I awoke this morning. It felt so good to get it all out though and to think back over memories with my dad. The fishing trips, the hikes in Kentucky we’d take. Carter Caves…one of the best memories I have with my dad. The motorcycle rides he would take me on. It felt good to be in that paradigm where I seen his face, heard his voice, and remembered the scent and the touch. Boy do I really miss dad…I just don’t understand sometimes how it can still hurt so much.

So now I think about all the things I’ve faced in my life and some of those things were the toughest for me to survive. Sometimes I wonder how I did live through it. Does that make me strong? I don’t know. I don’t feel strong. I feel very much a weakness that I just hide throughout my days. I mean sometimes I feel someone could crumble me with just a harsh word, or I’d crumble myself with just one hurtful memory. I feel so fragile…vulnerable.

Some of the hardest things I have had to face:

My dad dying in 1996
My first marriage to a lunatic
Sexual abuse through my childhood
Going from being an active person to being disabled
The relationship with my mom- it has made me ill in so many ways
Dealing with my family being broken after my dad died

I wonder what are some of the hardest things you’ve faced in your life? How do you think you’ve survived them? Personally I think I have survived everything I’ve faced because of what my dad taught me. I also believe that my faith in God has helped along the way. I can’t explain to you why I believe in God- it is just there in my soul- I KNOW he is there.

I guess all people are not broken. I guess I am not completely broken. There are just chipped away places where indents are left where a hurtful thing had happened. If I were broken I would have taken my life a long time ago…suicide, yes, Joe comes to mind. He was broken. He wasn’t only chipped up in places…he couldn’t find the glue to keep the rest of himself together. I guess that is why he checked himself out. Does that make him weak? I don’t know…

I can close my eyes and see a picture perfect life inside my mind. Is it really picture perfect though? Does anyone really have that type of life? I don’t think so. I think everyone has moments in the life they live that life just really sucks big time and they feel as if they are also going to go over the edge. It doesn’t matter the amount of family they have around, the money they make, the drugs, or the material items they own. Sometimes life just sucks for everyone. That is what I think personally. It is a way for me to attempt to make sense of life in general.

Gosh I’m rambling on today…forgive me…I can’t help it.

Life is confusing. It is also amazing. So much more out there in other peoples lives I don’t know about but I can imagine some possibilities. Maybe everyone should keep a journal of the life they live…

My mind is so full right now. I think I will go for now and possibly write more later when I can be more focused and do less rambling…did I ramble on? I feel as though I did. Memories, thoughts, questions, comments are just flooding my mind. Perhaps I’ll write some kick ass poetry today because of it. I am such a strange person at times. Thanks for visiting. Feel free to stop back by sometime.

Until next time…