Eleven years- Dear Dad
Another year, yes it flew right by again. So much has happened I am not sure where to begin. I have so much to tell you this year. I really wish you could have been here. I’ve had some health issues and blessings brought to me. I am waiting on another baby to be. She would have been your eleventh grandchild. She is coming in June they say. If only you could be there on the delivery day.
I don’t talk to mom anymore dad and I am not sure I should tell you why. I am worried it will hurt your soul and force you to cry. Your youngest son is getting married now to the mother of his child. The life he’s lived has been a little wild. I am sure he has been broken on the inside since you’ve died. I am sure he was just looking for a way to heal the pain. He had done what all of us tried to do. We tried to learn how to live on without you. In some cases we are still trying to figure that out. For some of us, it is every day full of doubt.
God I miss you still so badly even after all these years. That empty cavern in my heart is still full of tears. I still search throughout my days to find a cure for my sorrow and loss. I’ve died on the inside. Like when Jesus was crucified. I can picture the cross. I’ve not been successful in hiding the grief. It seems the ability to live has been taken from me by a thief.
I have such sorrow this past year that I wish we could have shared. I have had so much joy this past year and I wish you had been near. I long to see your smile again. As I’ve said before in letters that have passed, so much has fallen apart since you’ve gone. I had to give up on mom. It was destroying me. She made me ill with the battles and things she’d do. I hope that doesn’t hurt you. Concerning her there is nothing I can do.
I had my hair done today. I had it cut shorter than you would like. I remember the time mom cut my hair too short and it upset you. I remember after that what you would do. You always liked long hair on me. It looks good though dad. I wish you could see.
I am still in therapy and I know you would be pleased. I know you tried to prevent a lot of my hurt and some you could not stop. I am not angry with you dad. I know you would have saved me if you had a way to do so. I am working on letting all of that go.
I still picture your burial day. That suit of gray. I wonder if my eyeliner filled tear still stains your sleeve. I still remember the heartache I had when we put you in the ground. The way I grieved. The way I was so alone even with all the people around. I clung to your living memory in hopes of surviving that day. It hurts so much I can’t even begin to say.
I still grieve because you’re gone. Is that wrong? I think it will be like this for the rest of my days. Dad, I know no other ways. I only know to sit at these keys year after year. Allow my sorrow to exit in tears. To write you a letter I’m not even sure you read. Is this a part of greed? Is it wrong not to let go? I wish I could hear you tell me no.
I tell my daughter about you all the time. I tell her the good man you were in life. I told her you were the one who taught me to be a good mother and wife. She has a few pieces of you I see. She has that sweetness that you passed to me. Yes dad, I will try to keep the bitterness away. So she isn’t so messed up like her mom one day. I remember the advice you have given and I pass it on to her. She is a brilliant girl dad. Such personality she… she reminds me of the little girl I used to be. The stories you’d tell me about the way I use to be. Yes, those stories before my childhood misery.
Be there when this new joy arrives if you can. I want you to be there to see. To see what you passed to me that I pass to my girls. You live on dad and you always will here in my home. I refuse to let you go…
I love you dad and I hope you are resting in peace. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. One day maybe I’ll see you again. Save that seat for me!