Eleven years- Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Another year, yes it flew right by again. So much has happened I am not sure where to begin. I have so much to tell you this year. I really wish you could have been here. I’ve had some health issues and blessings brought to me. I am waiting on another baby to be. She would have been your eleventh grandchild. She is coming in June they say. If only you could be there on the delivery day.

I don’t talk to mom anymore dad and I am not sure I should tell you why. I am worried it will hurt your soul and force you to cry. Your youngest son is getting married now to the mother of his child. The life he’s lived has been a little wild. I am sure he has been broken on the inside since you’ve died. I am sure he was just looking for a way to heal the pain. He had done what all of us tried to do. We tried to learn how to live on without you. In some cases we are still trying to figure that out. For some of us, it is every day full of doubt.

God I miss you still so badly even after all these years. That empty cavern in my heart is still full of tears. I still search throughout my days to find a cure for my sorrow and loss. I’ve died on the inside. Like when Jesus was crucified. I can picture the cross. I’ve not been successful in hiding the grief. It seems the ability to live has been taken from me by a thief.

I have such sorrow this past year that I wish we could have shared. I have had so much joy this past year and I wish you had been near. I long to see your smile again. As I’ve said before in letters that have passed, so much has fallen apart since you’ve gone. I had to give up on mom. It was destroying me. She made me ill with the battles and things she’d do. I hope that doesn’t hurt you. Concerning her there is nothing I can do.

I had my hair done today. I had it cut shorter than you would like. I remember the time mom cut my hair too short and it upset you. I remember after that what you would do. You always liked long hair on me. It looks good though dad. I wish you could see.

I am still in therapy and I know you would be pleased. I know you tried to prevent a lot of my hurt and some you could not stop. I am not angry with you dad. I know you would have saved me if you had a way to do so. I am working on letting all of that go.

I still picture your burial day. That suit of gray. I wonder if my eyeliner filled tear still stains your sleeve. I still remember the heartache I had when we put you in the ground. The way I grieved. The way I was so alone even with all the people around. I clung to your living memory in hopes of surviving that day. It hurts so much I can’t even begin to say.

I still grieve because you’re gone. Is that wrong? I think it will be like this for the rest of my days. Dad, I know no other ways. I only know to sit at these keys year after year. Allow my sorrow to exit in tears. To write you a letter I’m not even sure you read. Is this a part of greed? Is it wrong not to let go? I wish I could hear you tell me no.

I tell my daughter about you all the time. I tell her the good man you were in life. I told her you were the one who taught me to be a good mother and wife. She has a few pieces of you I see. She has that sweetness that you passed to me. Yes dad, I will try to keep the bitterness away. So she isn’t so messed up like her mom one day. I remember the advice you have given and I pass it on to her. She is a brilliant girl dad. Such personality she… she reminds me of the little girl I used to be. The stories you’d tell me about the way I use to be. Yes, those stories before my childhood misery.

Be there when this new joy arrives if you can. I want you to be there to see. To see what you passed to me that I pass to my girls. You live on dad and you always will here in my home. I refuse to let you go…

I love you dad and I hope you are resting in peace. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. One day maybe I’ll see you again. Save that seat for me!

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Wednesday, March 7, 2007, in Journal Pages, Poetry, Short Stories. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. the pain just stays there. although time heals the hole is never covered.
    like you, i no longer have my father. moreso, i also lost my mother.
    until now the pain hunts me. until now, i ask the what if ? what if they are here? what would they do?
    questions that leads me to nowhere. i lost my father to an heart ailment april 14, 1995 and then my mother to cancer april 25, 1995. its almost 12 years ?
    how fast time flies. but the hurt…its still there.

  2. Yes the pain of the loss never goes away does it? I am sorry for your loss too. Giving my dad up to cancer is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life- it was hard to face living my own life when he was taken…

    Death- so permanent.

    Thank you for your comment.

  3. ((((HUGS))))Your letter to your dad is so heartwarming and sad. I think he will be right there with you when you have your little girl. Maybe not in body, but in spirit. He will be there holding your hand and smiling proudly at you holding your little one, crying tears of joy and sadness with you.

    My prayers are with you today on this very sad day for you.

  4. Hi, i have only recently found your website and after reading some of your posts i felt i had to tell you that, although i don’t know you and although i don’t know much about you, i think you are really brave and your writing has inspired me to keep writing and to create an outlet for my thoughts, even though i don’t know how. I thought your letter to your dad was beautiful and i’m sorry for your loss.

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