Anniversary of my dad’s death today- 11 years…

Today started out not to be a good one. When I say not a good one I don’t mean my health today.

I woke up very depressed and angry. Today marked the anniversary of my dad’s death. It was eleven years today. He died of cancer. I had scheduled a session with my therapist today for that reason. I went in and poured my heart out. I released the anger and I allowed my tears to gush out. It helped a whole lot! From there he took me to get my hair done. I decided I needed to change it and I changed it in a big way! I absolutely love it. I went from a long length to a medium length and it is layered now. I layered this time to help hide the fact it is so thin. IT IS A WINNING HAIR STYLE!

Afterwards the hubby and I went out to do some shopping. We had to get some stuff for my daughter’s upcoming birthday and we picked up some Easter items for her basket. Had to do this while she was in school that way it is a much bigger surprise for her.

The day was gorgeous today! It was in the 40s and the sun was shining. That helped out too with holding back the depression.

For most of the day it wasn’t so bad with depression. I have thought about dad all day but I refused to delve into the deep sorrow I usually do. I wanted to save the wallowing for this evening. My daughter is in bed and it is safe to cry a little. My tradition for this day is to write a letter or poem for my dad that I plan to keep doing. I plan on writing a letter to him after I finish with this entry. Some probably say well he can’t read it; he’s dead and gone. Well, maybe that is true. I have thought that myself. I have said to myself, “Why write this? He can’t possibly read it. He’s gone justordinary, let go…”

I will tell you though while I write the letter to him I feel peace. It is a way of me showing commitment to not only his memory but also the connection we had when he lived. When I finish the letters each year I feel that my heart can start to heal once again for the New Year I must live without him. That by itself is enough to keep me writing him. I will never let him go, never.

I mean does it really matter if he can read it or not? I have to say, that it isn’t the important factor for me writing him. Although it would be something special if he could actually read them from where ever it is he is. But what matters the most is that I get it out of me. It is important to me that I show dedication in the relationship I had with him when he was here and that I take time to remember that in the letters. It is a never-ending healing process that I will partake in every year as I have done the past eleven. People can call me crazy, obsessed or even a lost cause.

You see people can say that because I know when it comes to my dad and his death I am not crazy, I am not obsessed, and I am not a lost cause. I will tell you what I am though. I am a girl who had such a close connection with my dad that it took a large piece of my heart and living quality when he died. I am a piece of who he was and who he wanted me to be and that I am VERY PROUD of! Even in the worst times I have to say I am proud to be me. I may falter and say that I am not proud of myself in the weak moments but without those weak moments the rest of the moments wouldn’t matter as much as they do, or as much as they have. Would they?

I am off now to write my dad his letter and I will post it here when I am finished. Thanks for visiting my journal. Feel free to visit again.

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Wednesday, March 7, 2007, in Journal Pages. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad 😦

    My grandmother and I were really close, she was my best friend throughout my childhood, teen years, and young adult life… than one day she got really sick, and the next thing we knew she was gone… breast cancer. Her birthday was last week. She died 11 years ago. I soooo understand how you feel. It is so hard to lose someone you love.

    No, don’t ever let him go. Hold him clse in your heart and share your memories of him with everyone you meet.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{lots of huggles to you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    ~~EK

  2. I love that you write to your father…I read the other piece and it touched me. I lost my father Dec.18,2006 Not even three months. From the way you write I know it doesn’t get easier. Stay strong, I am trying as well

  3. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I wish I could tell you that it gets better- but in my case it really has not and I don’t think it will. I believe the connection of those we lose has everything to do with whether giving them up is easier or harder.

    I will say this- I am gladly going through every year he has been gone with the pain and sorrow because I wouldn’t trade the relationship I had with him for anything in this world including wiping my pain away so that it was easier to go on without him. I was blessed by him being my dad.

    I hope that in time you are able to find a coping mechanism like I have to help you at least try to live your life the happiest you can. Please keep in touch with me through here if you need someone to listen.

    Thank you for your comment.

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