God has occupied my mind lately. I am angry. I wonder why? Why this, why me…as I sit here and cry. Every moment of my life my heart breaks that you are not here. Never being able to move on is what I fear. You tried to teach me God, and Christianity. Where has God been, and why has he left insanity? Is there something I am missing here that I don’t see? Am I not doing what is expected of me? My scars are so bad anyone can see… The shattered and broken hearted me. I am so pissed he took you away… I am so furious he let me hurt for so long… I sometimes wonder if I will survive the day. Is it all a lie? I want to believe… But every day I grieve. I am filled with anger that won’t leave.
Dad, there is nothing more I can do with mom I am sorry to have to say she is broken inside. I can’t repair her…I’m still a little girl wanting to run and hide. I am sorry to say I am broken inside. I am running out of places to hide. I want off this ride. I know it is selfish to ask why me, why this? But all the shit I’ve carried my whole life. I am so pissed!!! I don’t want to be a woman of this shell. I am tired of my internal hell. I feel so alone in this world I sometimes despise. I feel God has left me…was it all lies?
Are the stories true? What about heaven and a hell? Are you there at God’s side being treated well? Does the pain no longer exist where it is you are? You within arms reach? How far? Do you remember the times you had here on earth? Is it true with every death, comes a birth? Are you how I remember you? Are you even still my dad there? Life will never be the same here, the void will always be. I remain a little girl without her daddy…
You say God…and I want to believe. I want a heaven waiting on me. Angel wings to help me fly high…a place where nothing dies. Dad, has God left me? What do I need to do so that one day I’ll be next to you? What more could be due?
Some people have great things. I see some who walk balanced and smile. When I return to the mirror I see me. A stumbling woman kept a child all these years. Never being able to let go of her fears. The fire inside built with anger, and a smile that hardly appears. And every glance death haunts my soul. I just can’t let it all go. Afterwards I come here to the keys hoping to give myself some peace. Repeat of the same release, and things still never change really. You are still not here and I still feel burned and scarred. The void still exists within me…I’m still a little girl without her daddy.
Even before you were gone I was already scorn. My heart inside was already torn. I know you did your best. I know now in peace you should rest… I know you’d take it all away if you could. I know so much more was suppose to be done before you left me here but it was just your time they say. Never know the time, the month or day.
Maybe I’m just a selfish brat. I could have not had you in my life at all… Looking at the world my hurt seems so small. It is when the gloom surrounds me and the breath is hard to take in. I am reminded in that moment of all my sin. The things I should have said, some things I should have done. And again I feel ready to run. Sometimes those moments leave me in silence, and I mourn within. This cycle continues and it never wants to end. The moments make it bigger than the world outside, and I’m left with nowhere to hide. I have no control on the tears that fall, and the pain in my heart. In one moment I feel like I’ve fallen apart. The void never leaves… I am a little girl without her daddy.
I love you dad. I hope you can hear me. I hope you can see me. I hope you know I am trying to continue to believe. I will always grieve but one day when I leave this world behind, I hope in God’s arms I find…. Peace and hope for me.