Monthly Archives: January 2007

Ten Years Have Gone By -written March 2006

Dear Dad,
Ten years have gone by
Yet it still feels like I’m the one who died
Not sure this emptiness will ever subside
Oh the tears I engulf on the inside
Sometimes I feel crazy for feeling so alone
And I have an urge to get back home
Yet nothing is waiting there for me
Except your lingering memory

No one understands what I have gone through
The years of battling to let go of you
You walk behind me each step I take
And everyday my heart breaks
When I dream, you are there
It is when I wake I can’t bear
Reality sets in and I no longer hear your voice
You become my ghost

When I close my eyes…
When I call back home…
I just wish you weren’t gone

My child has a piece of who you were
That piece you passed onto me
Yet I feel sadness that could unsettle the human race
Even with my eyes wide open, all I see is your face
This fight has made me weary, and bitter cold inside
Dad, I have no where to go, no where to hide
I don’t know how to live…
Cause I feel I’ve already died.

Sometimes it is too much to abide…
Dear dad…ten years have gone by…

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

God has occupied my mind lately. I am angry. I wonder why? Why this, why me…as I sit here and cry. Every moment of my life my heart breaks that you are not here. Never being able to move on is what I fear. You tried to teach me God, and Christianity. Where has God been, and why has he left insanity? Is there something I am missing here that I don’t see? Am I not doing what is expected of me? My scars are so bad anyone can see… The shattered and broken hearted me. I am so pissed he took you away… I am so furious he let me hurt for so long… I sometimes wonder if I will survive the day. Is it all a lie? I want to believe… But every day I grieve. I am filled with anger that won’t leave.

Dad, there is nothing more I can do with mom I am sorry to have to say she is broken inside. I can’t repair her…I’m still a little girl wanting to run and hide. I am sorry to say I am broken inside. I am running out of places to hide. I want off this ride. I know it is selfish to ask why me, why this? But all the shit I’ve carried my whole life. I am so pissed!!! I don’t want to be a woman of this shell. I am tired of my internal hell. I feel so alone in this world I sometimes despise. I feel God has left me…was it all lies?

Are the stories true? What about heaven and a hell? Are you there at God’s side being treated well? Does the pain no longer exist where it is you are? You within arms reach? How far? Do you remember the times you had here on earth? Is it true with every death, comes a birth? Are you how I remember you? Are you even still my dad there? Life will never be the same here, the void will always be. I remain a little girl without her daddy…

You say God…and I want to believe. I want a heaven waiting on me. Angel wings to help me fly high…a place where nothing dies. Dad, has God left me? What do I need to do so that one day I’ll be next to you? What more could be due?

Some people have great things. I see some who walk balanced and smile. When I return to the mirror I see me. A stumbling woman kept a child all these years. Never being able to let go of her fears. The fire inside built with anger, and a smile that hardly appears. And every glance death haunts my soul. I just can’t let it all go. Afterwards I come here to the keys hoping to give myself some peace. Repeat of the same release, and things still never change really. You are still not here and I still feel burned and scarred. The void still exists within me…I’m still a little girl without her daddy.

Even before you were gone I was already scorn. My heart inside was already torn. I know you did your best. I know now in peace you should rest… I know you’d take it all away if you could. I know so much more was suppose to be done before you left me here but it was just your time they say. Never know the time, the month or day.

Maybe I’m just a selfish brat. I could have not had you in my life at all… Looking at the world my hurt seems so small. It is when the gloom surrounds me and the breath is hard to take in. I am reminded in that moment of all my sin. The things I should have said, some things I should have done. And again I feel ready to run. Sometimes those moments leave me in silence, and I mourn within. This cycle continues and it never wants to end. The moments make it bigger than the world outside, and I’m left with nowhere to hide. I have no control on the tears that fall, and the pain in my heart. In one moment I feel like I’ve fallen apart. The void never leaves… I am a little girl without her daddy.

I love you dad. I hope you can hear me. I hope you can see me. I hope you know I am trying to continue to believe. I will always grieve but one day when I leave this world behind, I hope in God’s arms I find…. Peace and hope for me.

Doesn’t everyone hide things about themselves?

I logged into Word Press to add some links to my page and long behold I have a very nice comment left for me from KuntryGurl. I usually read the BLOG of the person who leaves a comment to try to see if I can know them more by what they keep on their page. While visiting KuntryGurl’s page I read the post they kept there titled, “100 things about me” and thought what a great idea. I was impressed with the courage of some of the things they put down about themselves. I have found throughout my life, with people I have met, that often they have lied about themselves. Maybe lie is not the right word. Certainly they have hidden a lot about themselves. Maybe it is because they are plagued with the worries of “first impressions” counting most and they are not good enough that they feel the need to hide MOST of their personality until much later. I am not like that. I am NOT perfect! I am NOT always nice. I am not a lot of things and don’t hide anything from ANYONE. It works for me. I just wish it would work for more people to be open like that. I mean come on, think about it, wouldn’t it prevent a lot of bad situations from happening if people were more real from the very beginning?

Reading KuntryGurl’s BLOG has inspired this entry and has inspired me to do something similar to what they have done with the list about themselves. Maybe more people will prepare a list about themselves here at Word Press since it is as anonymous as you like it to be. The Internet allows people to feel more secure with being themselves. I think that anyway.

I want to unload myself here before I work on the list about myself. The list might not be done in one night but I will surely start it tonight after this post. (By the way today has been good for me all day! Dinner was great and I was so happy being able to make it with little problems of fatigue, pain, etc. Now onto my post.) Time to unload myself…

Imagine if the politician was honest about what they really stood for? I know that is hard to do but try. I will not use any particular politician because I don’t want to start a debate here and now with this post. We all know they lie, or hide things about themselves and the policies they support. So with that let me get this out…

If we knew without a doubt that they did in fact support wars or we’ll say global rule that the people would be much better educated about knowing whether to support them. Instead they’ll hide that policy stance perhaps and then people will support them but would not if they had known they were into starting wars or wanted to stand up for global rule. You could use this with any issue. The bottom line is if they were completely honest the public could vote more wisely and send money to support a candidate more wisely. We would have a true candidate every time.

Somewhere along the line we have been conditioned to ACCEPT they are not totally honest on issues. Why is that? Why not hold each accountable for any deception they hand out? If one says they are for something but vote against it or do the complete opposite then what they said with the first impression why not hold them accountable for that deception? Why accept “they all lie”?

I guess I didn’t get something that others did growing up. Something didn’t sink in with me where this topic is concerned. My dad must have told me to many times that lies of any kind are very bad and that you should always be you no matter what anyone will think of the real you.

I know through my life I have not gotten jobs because I was the REAL me. I know through my life people have disliked me because I was the REAL me. I know being the honest real me has perhaps closed doors for me throughout life. I accept that as a part of life.

However I believe I am where I am supposed to be. I know that being the true me that it also opened doors for me that otherwise would not have budged.

What makes people hide the true aspects of whom they are? How about you, do you hide true aspects of who you are at anytime? If so, why do you do that? What is it you hide about yourself? You can be honest here it is anonymous.

Today is a good day!

It seems today will be a good day for me. I am so happy about that! I woke up this morning very tired still so after I got my daughter her breakfast I laid down on the couch. I didn’t fall asleep until my husband and her had left to run a few errands. I slept while they were gone on the couch. That was about thirty minutes. When they returned home I woke up. When I woke up I felt a little better than I did when I first got out of bed. That is a good thing! That doesn’t happen often anymore for me.

Now my hand pain was pretty bad when I first woke up but it has eased some now. Terrible that I still have pain but say it is a good thing! (Chuckles) I shouldn’t have pain at all but hey this is ME we’re discussing here. I live with pain so when it isn’t the worst it could be then I am good!

I guess I am that way because I have had pain that has brought me to my knees and nothing I done helped ease it. I have had pain that makes you unable to think rationally too. So minor pain isn’t shit for me.

Since today seems that it is going to be a good day I want to make a good dinner. Ribs, kraut and potatoes! YES! I will keep my fingers crossed that my energy level stays up where it is and that I don’t get hit with a sudden feeling of malaise or fatigue. Cross your fingers for me too please. 🙂

My appetite seems to be better today compared to yesterday too. I have already had breakfast, and a turkey sandwich on rye with chips as a snack. I feel like something else already too. This is good.

Yesterday my appetite sucked big time! I had breakfast but had to force myself to eat it. I only had a small bowl of soup for lunch. I had half of a pork chop and corn for dinner. Wow, now that I look at that in text I realize it isn’t much at all for a pregnant woman. Sounds like more when you just verbalize it. OK today seems that it will be much better for the appetite, that makes me happy.

Going to waste some time in political chat now while I feel spunky. I’ll journal more this evening perhaps.

I’ll Hate the World Today

I drag myself out of bed
Still feeling numb in my head
Time has passed and much hasn’t changed
The world surrounds me and it’s strange
I want to crawl into a shell
Hide myself away from the hell
The bombs that tick inside my soul
The memories I just can’t seem to let go
I’ll hate the world today
It makes living easier for me
All the mistakes of you in me
I just want to be free

Sometimes I want to die
While thoughts of you linger
Sometimes all I can do is cry
Even though I don’t want to remember

A monster has created a demon
Still without reason
I’ll never be the way I once was
Inside my head you crawl
Leaving flames, consumed with fire
Smothering all of my desire
To smile, to laugh, to live
I want to hide myself away
Before my bombs detonate
I’ll hate the world today
All the mistakes of you in me
I want to be free