The Rock and The Wall
I haven’t felt this way in many years. The tumor has changed me and I feel different. It is more than just physically. I am talking about inside myself. My heart and mind are very different. I cry often now. I haven’t done that since my dad had passed away in 1996. I feel like something has been removed from its place to allow sadness to just gush out uncontrollably.
Before this tumor I was a lady who was numb. It was different then. I would hardly cry. Now the tears seem uncontrollable, the hurt is much deeper, and I feel it in my heart again. I feel it is actually breaking, I haven’t felt that since my dad had died.
I find myself wanting to weep over things I can’t change. Before I would have just toughened up and moved on. You know pull the bitch out of me to help me get a hold of myself. It was so easy to be a rock back then. After a year with my dad being gone and being broken down, I became a rock. Now I wonder how can I go back to being that rock? Do I want to go back to being a rock? I don’t believe I can, or even want to. Can I survive not being the rock?
As a rock I tried to avoid any emotional commitments, and I was very successful. I would give enough just for it to survive by a thread. I did this in anything that involved emotion. I haven’t enjoyed the things that I should have, and I never grieved over things that were needed. The wall was built well. It is shame it took a tumor, and fear of dying of cancer to make me want to tear down that wall. Who will I be when it is completely down I ask myself? The answer to that frightens me.
I would avoid feeling joy because frankly I didn’t think I deserved it. Laughter would not come often, and smiles were hardly seen. I would avoid attachments to friends and family. I totally pulled myself out of life you could say. Now I feel the need to jump right back into life. Smile at things that are lovely, laugh at things that are funny, and hold those things that are dear close to me. Do all those things without guilt. I want to cry and not feel weak because of it. How does a rock do those things? How could the people have stuck around after all the tug and pulling to get me emotional involved and committed? How could they forgive me for not giving all of me from the beginning….
Most importantly, how do I live life without being that rock?
I look at my daughter and pray that I have not hardened her. I look at my wonderful husband and pray that he is not hardened because of me. At times I see them placing a brick where I am concerned. The rock and the wall is not what I wanted, it was what I needed. How do I make people understand that?
Maybe now that I am changing from a rock, and perhaps because the wall is coming down I can really enjoy the happiness in my life that I have for so long ignored and pushed away….
Maybe now I can grieve over things that I haven’t over the years and finally get closure. It was easier being a rock and having a wall, but it sure was lonely!
Can I break old habits?