I feel trapped…

Well, never thought I’d feel the way I feel right now in my lifetime. TRAPPED!

I was so independent before this back problem came along. Being disable after such independence is tougher than I thought it would ever be. I can’t do things with my daughter that I once was able to do. I just can’t get in my car like before and visit friends. I can’t jump into the car to go pick up stuff from the grocery store. I am left to depend on someone all the time. It has been that way since September of 2005. It has built up over that time and now it is getting to me badly.

People take for granted the daily things they are able to do. I mean hell, I was one of them. I took for granted that I was able to drive, walk without a cane, and do physical activity. You never know what those things mean until you lose them. It reminds me of that saying regarding loved ones, “You never know what you have until it is gone.” Wow do those words rings true to me now.

Yeah, pretty selfish of me to be thinking these things. Oh poor me. I say that because…

I have a great husband who does everything for me. He cooks when I am unable to. He drives me everywhere. He has stepped up to do more with our daughter since I am unable to. I never miss a doctors appointment because he is always there to take me! He cleans my house from top to bottom and I must say he does a pretty damn good job. On top of all that he works a full time job that provides for his family and covers our asses with health insurance. I love him more than any words could described. I wonder if he knows that? I mean does he really know it and believe it?

What a bitch I am to feel sorry for myself! What a selfish brat I am to bitch about how things once were.

I feel guilty when I start getting pissed about my independence being gone. I get pissed because I feel guilty for being upset over it. I mean things could be a hell of a lot worse. I could be dying of cancer. I could be confined to a wheel chair. I could be alone without a strong loving man by my side to support me and help me.

Emotions and brain functions are very tricky. Your heart and mind never seem to be on the same page. Your heart will tell you to grieve, and feel heart broken. Your mind however will tell you to shut the hell up, things could be a lot worse. So constantly there seems to be a tug of war match between the two, the heart and the mind. There never seems to be a way to listen to both. At least that is the way it has been for me.

I know I have a right to feel the things I do over my disability. I know that things could have turned out a lot worse. I know there is a way to be happier in my life with my disability…

the problem is how do I get there and stay there? And most of all, how do I get there without losing those who matter the most to me?