Monthly Archives: December 2006

Faithless- Bombs

We think we’re heroes
We think we’re kings
We plan all kinds of fabulous things
Oh look how great we have become

The key in the door
The moment I’ve been longing for
Before my bag hit the floor
My adorable children, rush up and squeeze me for a kiss,
and a story, they were a gift to this world
My only claim to glory
I surely never knew sweeter days
Blows my mind like munition
I’m amazed

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more then I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
One mans loss, one mans gold
So much more then I thought this world could ever hold

We’re just children, we’re just dust
We are small, and we are lost,
and we’re nothing
Nothing at all

One bomb, the whole block gone
Can’t find my children and dust covers the sun
Everywhere there’s always panic and confusion
but to some another fun day in Babylon
I’m going to bury my wife and dig up my gun
My life is done, so now I got to kill someone

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more then I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
One mans loss, one mans gold
So much more then I thought this world could ever hold

So much more then I thought this world could ever hold
So much more then I thought this world could ever hold

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more then I thought this world could ever contain
So much more then I thought this world could ever hold
One man’s loss, one man’s gold
So much more then I thought this world could ever hold

What a powerful song!

Some wishes will not come true on Christmas…

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. I hope people get everything they want under their tree. I just hope people weren’t too greedy in their wants.

I know that some wishes that people have they will not receive them. I pray for them most.

Some will want a warm bed. Some will want a home cooked meal. Some want our troops home from Iraq. Some people will be wishing that they have one good day of not being sick from cancer, AIDS, etc.

For you I wish I were a genie.

I hope that God blesses you this holiday season in some way.

Christmas spirit being sucked out of me….

Three days until Christmas is here…

We got bad news from my husband’s workplace. They are telling people lay offs might have to come along.

This is NOT good for our family, and probably many others. We are expecting our second child now too. It took us over two years to get pregnant. The doctors determined I would be permanently disabled a year ago. The health insurance he has is a very important necessity. We would go bankrupt without it!

I had to have back surgery in September of 2005 and I was fortunate to have health insurance. I only had to pay an estimate of $1,300.00. The total bill was over $30,000.00!

Now I am faced with the problem that after I have the baby I will need another MRI done. My neurologist is worried that I have another tumor on my left side that will need removed. That means another back surgery! That means another $30,000.00 bill. That is rather scary when you think about not having health insurance to help you pay for that.

I wish the damn company my husbands works for would have waited until after Christmas to give this news out. It makes Christmas hard to celebrate when you are consumed by worries about your finances. They tell you around a holiday that has become so damn commercialized. I know Christmas is not about gifts but you see I LOVE to give! I would rather give then receive! Been that way my whole life and I don’t want to change.

If this turns out bad for us I will have to change. I will be forced to change. I will have to stop donating to the Children’s Cancer Research, the Disabled Veterans, the local food pantry, and so many more. That really pisses me off!

When I walk by a person standing out with a donation can, I think twice about giving now. I worry about needing that money very soon for my own medical bills and medicines. I don’t want to be like that! I don’t want to feel like I can’t donate to these people.

I was raised in a VERY poor home and I don’t want to live like that again either. I don’t want to worry about my next meal. I don’t want to worry about not being able to go to the doctor because I can’t afford to pay for it. I lived that life for 23 years.

I hope my prayer is answered this Christmas. Not only for me but also for many families in America who face this same situation or those who are poor and needy already.

Why doesn’t the United States Government care about its people?

I’d Rather Be In Heaven

I’d rather be in heaven,
To have a place where love never dies.
I’d rather be in heaven,
To watch you with faraway eyes.
I’d rather be in heaven,
Where missing you wouldn’t exist.
I’d rather be in heaven,
Where pain did not persist.

I would stand on a cloud,
Never breaking down in sorrow.
I could stand proud,
And face the morrow.

I’d rather be in heaven,
We’d meet as friends once more
I’d rather be in heaven,
Where there is no kept score
I’d rather be in heaven,
Where forgiveness is brimming
I’d rather be in heaven,
To hear the angels singing

The Rock and The Wall

I haven’t felt this way in many years. The tumor has changed me and I feel different. It is more than just physically. I am talking about inside myself. My heart and mind are very different. I cry often now. I haven’t done that since my dad had passed away in 1996. I feel like something has been removed from its place to allow sadness to just gush out uncontrollably.

Before this tumor I was a lady who was numb. It was different then. I would hardly cry. Now the tears seem uncontrollable, the hurt is much deeper, and I feel it in my heart again. I feel it is actually breaking, I haven’t felt that since my dad had died.

I find myself wanting to weep over things I can’t change. Before I would have just toughened up and moved on. You know pull the bitch out of me to help me get a hold of myself. It was so easy to be a rock back then. After a year with my dad being gone and being broken down, I became a rock. Now I wonder how can I go back to being that rock? Do I want to go back to being a rock? I don’t believe I can, or even want to. Can I survive not being the rock?

As a rock I tried to avoid any emotional commitments, and I was very successful. I would give enough just for it to survive by a thread. I did this in anything that involved emotion. I haven’t enjoyed the things that I should have, and I never grieved over things that were needed. The wall was built well. It is shame it took a tumor, and fear of dying of cancer to make me want to tear down that wall. Who will I be when it is completely down I ask myself? The answer to that frightens me.

I would avoid feeling joy because frankly I didn’t think I deserved it. Laughter would not come often, and smiles were hardly seen. I would avoid attachments to friends and family. I totally pulled myself out of life you could say. Now I feel the need to jump right back into life. Smile at things that are lovely, laugh at things that are funny, and hold those things that are dear close to me. Do all those things without guilt. I want to cry and not feel weak because of it. How does a rock do those things? How could the people have stuck around after all the tug and pulling to get me emotional involved and committed? How could they forgive me for not giving all of me from the beginning….

Most importantly, how do I live life without being that rock?

I look at my daughter and pray that I have not hardened her. I look at my wonderful husband and pray that he is not hardened because of me. At times I see them placing a brick where I am concerned. The rock and the wall is not what I wanted, it was what I needed. How do I make people understand that?

Maybe now that I am changing from a rock, and perhaps because the wall is coming down I can really enjoy the happiness in my life that I have for so long ignored and pushed away….

Maybe now I can grieve over things that I haven’t over the years and finally get closure. It was easier being a rock and having a wall, but it sure was lonely!

Can I break old habits?