If I Die on the Surgery Table tomorrow morn….

IF I should die on the table for some odd reason I want things to be clear so my family will have it a little easier, I HOPE TO GOD THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN TOMORROW! In case though this needs to be posted. You never know when something can go wrong.

Things I have to let out…the loneliness is killing me

I get so lonely. I am lonely now. The loneliness is heavy on my heart. It makes me miss home even though home isn’t home since dad died. I fantasize about what home would be like if I rushed back there but when reality returns I see that it isn’t what I see in my fantasy. Home hasn’t been home for twelve years. My family has been broken since March 7, 1996 and there is no fixing it. Mom isn’t really mom even though I fantasize about that too.

Should I mind my own business? What is your take on this situation?

I think the loser is just using her for her check every month to have someone buy his cigarettes and beer. I told her that too. She doesn’t think so. Obviously she won’t listen to my plea.

Anxiety getting the best of me as the 13th gets closer???

Perhaps the nightmares represent the fact I feel like I am getting suffocated in my real life with these medical problems again. I thought that was all over for me but here I am once again having to get tests done to find out what is going on. I am so scared it will be some sort of cancer. That is one of my greatest fears. Cancer.

What if it is Gallbladder cancer? Pancreas cancer? What if….

I only want enough time on earth to raise my girls. Really that is all I ask for from God for me. I can live on with pain, and find a way to adjust to being disabled, but please don’t leave my girls without me so young. Let me stay to raise them.