So my older brother called me the other night, the only one that calls me, and tells me that mom is in the hospital again. I wasn’t shocked. My first concern was to find out whether or not it was the usual reason or if it was her heart. It was for the usual reasons so I was relieved. Listen to me, “I was relieved.” It has become so normal that it doesn’t even phase me that she is once again in the hospital in the mental ward.
Living with a schizophrenic mom has taken a toll on my entire family. I live over four states away and there isn’t a thing I can do for her or her illness. I’ve tried in the past believe me. I’ve tried so hard in the past that it broke my family apart for a time when my oldest daughter was around two years old. I even went to live with mom in hopes coming back home would improve the situation. It didn’t. It seemed to have escalated it now that I look back. She is good at getting attention. All schizophrenics are. It is apart of their illness. Most of the family has tried to help her in some way but no one has been successful on helping her stay on track. She always ends up back at square one.
I have often wondered if she was really sick or just pretending simply to get pity. Growing up with it and not understanding it makes you view it in that way. She wasn’t a good mom I can’t sit here and praise her. I can however sit here as a grown woman and start to understand a little as to why she didn’t do some of the things she needed to do. Now some things she refused to do there are no excuses for. Like getting me ready for school as a little girl. There is no excuse for that in my opinion. Even in my worst day of a fibromyalgia attack I get up and make sure my daughter is ready for school the proper way. That is a mother’s job.
Mom probably decided to pull this episode due to the holiday coming up. Good ole’ Thanksgiving. It was my dad’s favorite holiday. She does this every year. Last year it was Christmas she went into the hospital. She either takes too many of her pills, or she’ll stop taking them all together. We haven’t had a problem with her overdosing in a long time. She now just stops taking her meds.
She was in the hospital about three months ago too though. She was staying with T whom I wish she would have nothing to do with and my cousin R, who is my aunt Eve’s son, attempted to run her off I heard and long behold she ended up in the hospital shortly after going over to the house I use to call home. I believe that is what set her in motion on that particular episode.
I’ve talked to counselors. I’ve asked for help from everywhere and there seems to be none that is worth the taking. The best I get is there are far worse people off then her who live on their own or who are homeless. I believe this illness has deadened my family and what it was meant to be. I believe it has been the sole component that has so easily allowed the barriers to be put up between my brothers and I. It silences our communication even though we need it so badly. We don’t know what to say or what to do to help our mom or ourselves in this continuing battle of schizophrenia.
When dad was around he was the caretaker. He was the one who handled her. He handled her well so we thought. We thought he handled her well because we didn’t have to “deal” with her or the illness first hand like he did. What a life he must have lived dealing with his wife having the illness and trying to raise five kids and having no money along the way. God bless him for being a great man and dad.
Throughout the years my mom has lost a lot of her family. Some have disowned her because of her actions that she has kept repeating. Some have disowned her because of her choice of being with T who is a shit bag. I can’t candy coat it here. I have no love for the guy and I never have. I tolerated him because he was married to my aunt Eve and while she was living I put up with him for her. After she died I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to have anything to do with him ever again. Well, so I thought! Long behold my mom decides to be “best friends” with him. I think there is more then friendship going on myself, and many others do so too.
I am angry that she did this once again. She pulled another selfish act. She wasn’t thinking how it would affect my nephew or my youngest brother and his family who expected to cook dinner with mom. He was looking forward to having that this year. Another holiday for him that will have an absent void in it. How can I be angry with him after all he’s lived with on his own since dad has died? I don’t know…whom should I be angry at?
Should I be angry that he couldn’t fix her? I couldn’t even fix her! Should I be angry at my oldest brother because he couldn’t fix her? I couldn’t even fix her! Why am I angry at all? Schizophrenia has destroyed my family. I only talk to one of my brothers on a regular basis out of four. There is something wrong with that. I’ve tried to reach out to each of the others. It has done no good. There is so much resentment for things said and done in the past that the wall just doesn’t seem to be coming down anytime soon.
We all have done everything you can think of to try to fix our mom and in the process of doing that we’ve hurt each other and never looked back. We all stepped in at different times to try different approaches in attempts to make her life better and along the way we’ve stepped on each other in one way or another.
So, I will call my mom tomorrow in the hospital to wish her a happy Thanksgiving. I’m not sure what conversation we’ll have except to ask why again? Like I have so many times before…
Times like these I wish my dad were here more then any other time.
Until next time, be safe…and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!