Been gone so long. Update on me & my FNL w/Pancreatic cancer

An update for my readers

Sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been busy with my oldest going back to school. Third grade now! I’ve also had some pretty rough days with my fibromyalgia and the tumor in my back since I’m still not on any medications for the fibro. The tumor pain is from over doing myself out back with my fall planting. I guess I still haven’t figured out how to pace myself.

We spent a week away from home last week. We spent most of that time in WI with my in laws. My father n law gave us some bad news. He said the chemotherapy he was on isn’t working and the cancer has gotten bigger and spread to his spleen and prostate. His pain is MUCH worse. The morphine he’s on isn’t taking care of the pain right now so this I know is VERY bad. He started a new chemotherapy this week in hopes it will prolong his life some but sadly it is soooo hard for me to be optimistic with this situation. I guess I am like that because I’ve lost so many to cancer and have no happy survival stories. I just pray every night that he is given the time he needs and that he is not made to suffer too long. I believe in prayer so that keeps me stronger then I think I would be otherwise. Faith keeps me above water.

I cried when we left. I am so worried about him. I feel helpless too and a part of me says to myself none of it is my place. I’m not his kid. I’m just his daughter by law. He has however always treated me great from the very beginning. Ten years I’ve been with his son and he’s never treated me bad. It is just sad to see someone you love go through such a bullshit thing like cancer. The worst part of it is no matter what he does he’ll lose like so many others….

I had to take a trip to Chicago while we were visiting the in laws. I was made Godmother of my nephew JJ. My husband was made Godfather. We are not catholic so it was a bit nerve racking in the beginning but turned out good. I’m a believer so I guess that is the bottom line. I believe in Christ.

It was a very rough trip for me though. I didn’t sleep and my pain level was extremely high the entire time we were gone. It isn’t anyone’s fault for that. I can’t expect everyone to have an outrageously priced mattress for me to sleep in. It did take me a few days to get my wind back. When I did get my wind back I over did it out back with my fall planting! Another two days to get back on my feet. Except this time I could not walk for two days. I can walk some today so I am thankful it wasn’t a long stretch of being bed ridden.

I have a lot of writing to catch on with the novel I’ve been writing for what feels like ages now. It is a slow process this book and I don’t understand why. I was thinking of maybe taking a breath from it and come back to it later but then I was thinking if I do that I will lose connection with my characters there…there is also the possibility of gaining more insight for my characters. Maybe I have too much mental stress right now to even think about putting out chapters. I just don’t know.

Right now I’m going to go and drink a hot cup of coffee, relax, and enjoy my toddler. Until next time…BE SAFE! God bless.

Writing through a fog…

I’m writing through a fog here. Hell I live in a fog what am I talking about. I’m lucky to remember my name some days! I was asked for my phone number yesterday or the day before that (hell I don’t know for sure when it was now that I think of it) but anyways, I completely drew a blank! I had NO FREAKIN’ CLUE! I had to say give me just a moment, and it took me what felt like a lifetime to remember what the hell it was to give it to the lady. After that I programmed the number into my own cell phone so that if that happened again all I had to do was open my phone and access the first name in my list. Isn’t that sad? I was so embarrassed! I cried after I got off the phone with the lady because I felt so stupid that I couldn’t recall my own damn number.

I had been having problems for a few days leading up to that event with my memory. It’s fibro fog I know but it can be pretty damn scary. Sometimes it makes you wonder if you are forgetting shit for good. I panicked a lot when it hits me suddenly. That just makes it worse. Lack of sleep is the cause. I am lacking some MAJOR sleep right now too!

I won’t even recall writing this in the morning I can promise you that. I wonder sometimes if this is some sign of early dementia! It really does freak me out at times the shit I can’t recall that I know I know. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t actually been through it.

I’ve been very tired this past week. I had a cold for about four days and it really kicked my ass. I’m finally over it now but think it might rear its ugly head again since I’m not sleeping well.

I have not slept worth a damn in a few weeks so I guess it’s catching up to me again. It’s a cycle I’m getting use to. I will go to bed and wake up throughout the night a few times and at 4am I wake up and can’t get back to sleep so I lie there for an hour or so until finally I figure what is the fucking point and I climb out of bed aching to hell and back. I get up for a few hours suffering with pain, waiting for my pain reliever to ease my aches and I’ll fall asleep again for maybe an hour. After that I must be up for the day because my little one is up for the day then.

Now that my oldest is in school I probably won’t even go back to sleep when I get out of bed around 5am or 6am since she gets up at 7am anyway. I’ll just wait until after she goes off for the bus and hopefully catch my hour before my little one wakes for the day. I don’t use sleep aids this time of year because I want to be able to get up and function with my oldest daughter.

I went off the lyrica, and I quit taking cymbalta a few months ago. They were great for relieving some of the fibromyalgia ailments but with the tumor in my back I couldn’t take the side effects that came along with them. I HAD to quit taking them sadly. I gained over 40 pounds excess weight I just can’t carry simply from those medications. It is taking me a little longer then I thought to lose all that weight. I can’t do exercise due to the tumor in the back so I have to be more patient and work a little harder to lose it.

So far I’ve lost 15 pounds. I couldn’t believe I got up to 189 pounds on those medications! Most of my life I had never weighed more then 125 pounds until right before my back surgery in 2005 I was ordered by my doctor to gain enough weight to put me at my normal weight. I was 20 pounds under weight then. I did what they asked and got myself up to 140, which is what I am supposed to weigh with my height. After surgery I was diagnosed with FMS and put on some wicked medicine lyrica and cymbalta were two of them. They just packed on the pounds within ONE month I was blown up like a cow.

I have been setting small weight loss goals so that I’m less likely to be discouraged. I’ve seen a huge difference already and I really am excited about getting the other 30 pounds off. Not only will it benefit my heart, but also it will ease some of the back pain I have from carrying around all this extra weight. It will relieve some pressure on the tumor so that pain will lessen. Not to mention I will feel sexy again!! I’m already starting to feel sexy again…it has been a while.

I’m not sure what I am going to do about the winter months. They are a nightmare for me. They were even a nightmare for me when I was on lyrica and cymbalta so I can just imagine what it is going to be like now that I’m no longer taking them. I have to find a solution soon, winter is right around the corner for me here in MN and they show no mercy for anyone.

I wish I could just pack up and move south! Unfortunately that isn’t feasible so alternative roads must be traveled right now. I do plan to get the hell out of MN though. I can’t stay here with the winters. I’m hoping next spring my house will be updated enough and the housing market will have come back enough to at least allow me to put my house on the market. We’ll see what the future holds. Deep down I want to move to South Carolina. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to live there close to the beach but that is probably NOT going to happen. You have to go where you can make it financially so it might be southwest instead of southeast. I wouldn’t mind moving closer to Louisiana so that I’d have more of a chance of seeing my nieces there. I miss my old friend Kim too, their mother. I had some great times with her.

Right now though I have to come up with a plan to survive this MN winter.

I am going to try some supplements and see if they can help out some. Most medicine doctors want to put me on for fibromyalgia have major side effects that I can’t take, and the main one is weight gain.

I have to get ready for a road trip soon. I am going to be a God Mother to my nephew. I’m excited to see him and my niece. They are darling children! I haven’t seen my niece since she was just a baby and now she is two. I’ve not even held my nephew yet! The downside of living out of state from family is you miss the children growing up.

Since my pain level has been so high lately I’ve been trying to listen to Enya as much as possible to keep me as relaxed as I can. Been using heat when feasible and meditation. Most of the time though with that damn tumor it doesn’t work.

I’m so tired now I think I need to try to get to some sleep even though I know I won’t. I will still lie down to relax my muscles. Until next time…

God Bless!
JO

Help me STAND UP TO CANCER!

It was 1996 when I lost my dad to lung cancer. A few years before he was diagnosed I lost my uncle Johnny to cancer. In 2005 I lost my aunt Eve to ovarian cancer. I have an aunt right now fighting to keep cancer at bay. Have you lost anyone to this awful disease? Do you have someone fighting right now with it? Please help me, and millions of others stand up to cancer and one-day find a cure.

All you need to do is click the Stand Up To Cancer Icon on the right sidebar and rate a video sponsored by Sprint. Leave your name with a message and they’ll donate to the cause! It really is that simple! Then if you wish to you can join social vibe and help like me get others to support a cause you believe in.

Thank you!
Rachel

I Love You Still

I love you still
No matter what your mind might wonder
I hold no hatred inside this heart to ponder

When the rain trickles
Beading down your window pane
You’ll think of me

I’ll always love you
No matter what your cold heart might feel
I’ll hold no bitterness towards you still

When the thunders rolls by
Slowly through the night sky
You will wish for me

I’m long gone but love you still
No matter how you refuse to forgive
I’ll continue to be happy and go on to live

Yes my frozen one, I love you still
No matter what the ice forbids you to feel
I will never hate you in my heart

For it has healed

Severing Ties

For so long I was the one who apologized. I was the one who made peace. I was the one who always tried to make you happy. I was the one always making things right. I did these things even though I wasn’t the one who should have been sorry. I was not the one who was making war. I made you happy even though deep inside it made me unhappy. I was not the one who was wrong.

Looking back I know now I did these things because of dad. I did these things because of the ideal he held onto about family. He tried so hard to pass that onto me. He wasn’t wrong in passing on the ideal about family, but he was sadly mistaken about the family. The ideal was great. The family however was a different story.

A family is supposed to support one another. They are supposed to be there through thick and thin and love unconditionally. They don’t just love you when it is convenient for them. They don’t push you away when things get a little hairy. They don’t purposely set out to sabotage your life with drama or actions that leave scars you’ll never forget. Family is supposed to honest, not deceitful. A family is supposed to be able to tell you the truth to your face instead of gossiping about you at the kitchen table after you leave.

Family is supposed to be supportive and encouraging. They aren’t supposed to point out every flaw you have and bring you down in esteem because of those flaws you might have.

A lot of my family really wasn’t family. Some would say to me, “Now Rachel be careful of the bridges you might be burning with what you say…” and to them all I can say is this.

Some bridges have to be burnt down in order to rebuild new ones. Sometimes structures get worn so badly they collapse. The bridges I burn this day have long collapsed. They’ve collapsed with the weight of hurt, spitefulness, and anger long ago. The people I refer to in this post will know who I am referring to and I don’t give a rat’s ass honestly. They never really cared anyway. Family doesn’t love you out of pity. Family doesn’t love you because they fill they have to. They love you because they ARE family. A lot of them are not my family and really never have been. I was living in a bubble of a dream my dad had about an ideal he had about the family we were forced to accept because DNA bound us.

I’m a grown woman now and I don’t have to accept shit now. DNA is just that in this scenario, DNA. Family is so much more then that. It is so much deeper. It is sad they never realized that, because now it is too late. They’ve isolated themselves in their own drama, their own back stabbings, and their own pities with no real sense of what family could have been. At least now I won’t have to worry about being ripped to shreds as I leave their house. At least now I won’t have to worry about offending them when I’ve done NOTHING wrong. At least now I won’t have to worry about being remembered on Christmas when I call to say I was thinking about you. The visits, the calls and the thoughts end with this.

There is one thing I’ve never been able to get over. I’ve tried and it just isn’t going to happen. My dad died March 7th 1996, and he was my best friend. He was everything to me. I loved him like nothing else in this world and I needed “family” to help me as I faced the loss. They shunned me. They had NO CLUE the circumstances surrounding my absence at the time but were so quick to talk shit about me and treat me like a villain when I returned the night my dad died. I entered my mom’s house and only two people hugged me that night out of all the family who was there. That is pretty sad, but that is OK because now I see that those two out of that bunch are REAL FAMILY. The rest of them can go to hell. I forgive them for the ignorance but I don’t need them in my life. You can forgive but you can never forget. They never even apologized for that even. I never even got a sorry for that….even 13 years later they feel no guilt for the way they treated me. What a fool I was.

They brought it on themselves a long time ago. Sad I know. Unfortunately I’ve felt this way for a while now and had to take time to think through this to be sure I was ready to sever ties. The time has come. The time is now.